Non nobis, Domine, non nobis...

Random late night thoughts...........

2011-02-22T23:03:00.005-06:00

On the banner of this blog I have something about spiritual navel gazing etc etc. As the blog has been around for several years maybe initially it started out that way. Now I think it is something else. I find there are times when I want to write or post some prose and feel constrained. Writing for me was something therapeutic. Maybe not wonderful writing but it was mine and it helped me to process things. I always had to be conscious of the fact that it is public and names etc do not get published. Still though I did not publish posts at times when I kind of wanted to or wrote in that therapeutic mode. I am thinking about starting a new blog and beginning anew. Maybe, at some point I will look back and realize it is really just a new one. But I will get it a go. I think also there is a feeling when one has a blog. Suddenly the world can be reading about ME. Incredible amazing ME. Still, I think writing openly can be something to help me and maybe to help others.

I would love to be a coach or maybe a positive drill instructor. Maybe I have to be that to myself at times and occasionally get to do that with others. I have to push myself alot many times. I learn alot in those times. I learn about me and I learn about God. Maybe more especially He teaches me about myself and Him.

Maybe in writing about ups and downs and especially the struggles-- and successes in an open and honest way it will help. Not sure on that one. Maybe a newer format will allow me to flexibility with the poems. Lots of stuff to write about. I have to pray about this. I have to pray about everything.

I have to wake up early tomorrow and study for my night school class which I have on Thursday. I also need to get to the gym in the morning before work. I decided to prepare for a big bicycle challenge, for me, a century ride. I have been working hard to prepare. Someday this summer I hope to pass a finish line somewhere and then take a photo of me holding up my old 'fat pants' when I was 240 pounds heavier and very very sick. I was so close to death at times back then. Then I asked Jesus Christ for help.....He helped. I am not sure if I will be able to do this ride just like I am not 100% sure I will graduate or go on to get my MSW. I am not sure if I will ever have a faithful Catholic marriage etc. I am not sure if my health will not start getting worse again or if the memory monsters of my past will come back. I struggle in so many areas-- especially in prayer--- but I have to keep struggling and fighting especially when I just want to give up. Because Jesus Christ never gave up- nor will He on me. I wanted for a few brief moments this morning and some this afternoon to give up. Then I prayed. Then I got to receive Him. If those other things ever do happen..... only God knows. Yet, I have a desire in my heart for Christ and I think the personal goals which I have are good. I think it is good to strive for them, ask for His blessing and assistance and then try to not worry about the future. He holds it all in His Hands anyway--- along with me.

So, I will think about the new blog. Tonight I just need to pray night prayer, ask for God's help especially for someone I love who is sick herself tonight, and to sleep. As I am reminded in prayer. "Today is enough."

God come to our assistance.

"Seedbed"

2011-01-31T22:39:00.001-06:00

Desolation keeping
While dromedaries shrieking
I ran to see her face----------------again----------
When will it end.
When O God, my God ---------------will it end.

In times gone by
A lesson learned
A cry for help
Such is a friend
Such is a friend.

No matter the time
Before Him I came
Assurance--------------began
On pearls given,
And stories told
For hope to spring--------------and dance
Can only begin----------------------------
Waiting on desolations floor.

"Feast of Saint John the Evangelist"

2011-01-29T20:51:00.000-06:00

On chance we dance
And forward we travel
Light flickering
Escaping
Happily
Joyfully
Into night
To Night
Becomes day
---today----- today----light escaping
Forward---today.

As I gaze on Tree
Shall ‘er I too see thee
Again---- at once
To meet ----to dance
Love---life to live
Share ‘er I to see Thee
Not to turn my eye
His Cross goes before me
Lighting up the way
Lighting up the way
On chance blessed eve
On chance----
To touch ----to taste---
Life—began again
And forward we travel
That day-----this day
Life for love for life
Today. -------in Him-----
No more sheepishly
Now breathlessly
Singing-------dancing-----
A better merriment.

New Day this day
(and closer to that)
Family comes-----you go----
To carry me home
And plant me into ground
Love transformed
Little seed
Merry me wait till He gives way?
Now time come
Never to soon
Never to late
Faithfulness a path for the wise
And dance last chance?
The only one that be
Always meant ---------to be.

Time comes swiftly-------
God’s time.
God’s time.
Love transforms ------transforms------transformed.
God’s time.

And now I see why it took this long
All my life---------to finally hold your hand
We wait--------------
To finally hold His Hand. Amen.

"Out of Order"

2010-12-14T22:35:00.002-06:00

I heard him cry
In disordered speech
In desperation
Screaming to be free
Confusion AGAIN
No one to hold my hand-----------------------
Alone in the masses
Millions of thoughts
I heard him cry out
Full throated------------------------agony
LET ME GO!!---------------again---------
Stealing life away ---------they did
Taking my family away
-------some friend----------------
Let me go---------------------again------------let me go-----------let me go.
To run to the place
Only there to find rest
Minutes to hours-------------------a night passes us by……
And back to life
With a florescent sky
That day-------I heard my echo---------------
I heard him cry.

"COR"

2010-11-15T00:12:00.000-06:00

Mercies kept as quiet city roamed,
Standing alone
A pen at her side
Buns blazing---quiet spirit morns
New day till sunset
Love’s open door.

At last quiet dawn
A penny that night well spent
At last faint hope
Tears for Juliet
At last simple pride
Of past triumphs won.
No more to sorrow----give rest
As he took gun in hand.

Simple hope -----quiet detachment
Of times long lost
Of peaceful hearts now rent
In anger------in lust
Seething------they sing at night
And you fairest maiden-----ran home
Peace to come at last?
Peace to come at last.

One shot -----one kill
Or so the lunatics say
Warriors sprung listless
Clamoring for hell’s door?
Striving for heaven within
Don’t give up.
Never give up.
Striving for heaven within.

Darkness lifted-------------
Kindness broke through. Night
Desolation finding
Reality waited no more.
Choices to be changed
As hope finds herself at home.
Mercies kept as darkness lifted
Running-----------
Running----------------
Sprinting-----------------------------------------------!!
Love’s open door.

"At Nativity"

2010-11-06T22:12:00.000-06:00

Even my soul which runs in fire
So too my heart
So too my heart
I flee--------towards
Towards-----------
A destination I know not
A fire consumes me from within
Blazing heat
Darkest day
Night lit a thousand flames strong
So too my heart---------my love
So too my heart –for Thee.

Long have I waited
To see Thy Face
Too long to hold her hand
Love’s sweet kiss enflamed---------so strong------
Lasting----engrossing------expanding
Charity begins within
-------in flames--------
So too my heart this Night
So too my heart.

And I------------wait---
Mercies yet untold
Known but to one-----One
On bended knee
And I to see -----distance expecting
---yet none to long.

"Chastity"

2010-10-30T21:04:00.000-06:00

Daylight descends
Creation’s end
Night passes into Night
On cloudy Day--- moon’s bright array
Faithfulness transformed her heart.
Hope transformed his
Love’s aim.

Shadows fall-------------
Safe keeping
Tear’s to dry
That day------------her eyes.
And I gazed in heart’s safekeeping
Roses in hand-----------and----------
Palms by my side.

Transforming my heart this day
Transforming my heart this day.

Gentle Jesus…………
To Thee do I call
Never to fail------to leave thee
To leave me------------again-------
Only in hope to love this day
Light to shine
In Night decent.

And this sag song
Or that joy to be
Love transforms ever quicker
On knees bent
In mercy spent--------------
Justice became his peace--------forever------
And I loved you so much more
That day
And I loved you so much more.

Make my heart new
My hope pure
My faith so sure
In love fire burns
Consumed
In love fire burnt---------
Consume
Consume
Now no longer me---------
But Thee.

"Luna Keepa"

2010-10-28T20:29:00.001-06:00

Children wasted------
----love’s dwindling day
Ashes from sacks of ruins
Warning us she--------------
She warned us-------------
Three.

Children ran--------
That day she cried
Warning never heeded
Warning never heeded.

And spits of fire
Fell upon snow
Blood froze at waters touch.
Cold rain -----hearts still beating
Bleeding-----wandering aimlessly
Through Night------Darkest Night.

Cold rain fell----turned to ice—
Dusty books
Memories----old foolish people
Warning left unheeded
She pleaded
She mourned--- She wept.
Soon Rachael’s echoing
Echoing
Echoing.

And stars fell
As we gazed hand in hand
Heart opened
To you----again---
To us----my love---again----to us.
And I knew that day
You looked into my eyes
--our children danced –ran—
In Love’s safekeeping—
Again poured out
And drank we joyfully
We sang----cups overflowing---
Ginger and spice---
Thirteen days to see you
And only one
With rings on knee
Come marry thee in pocket
Messages which he cried.
Good night sweet love---
Taste upon my lips
Your breath moist—
Blood and rosehips.

Say we look---
Thirteen days to cry
Say we taste---
On lips------------love’s sigh.
Of wine and bread
Mixed meaty stuff
Say three children
Light danced quite enough
Did we listen not
Never----never.
We turned from thee
Spoiled ragmuffins
Gypsum upon my chin
And yours-------------
Honey and salt
And waved thee goodbye.

To moon’s turning
Long lists
Gone upon---
Gone.
And cries shall be-----
No more
And cried shall be ------no more.
When wolf’s howl
Amid running streams
A cannon at a banquet
A meal fit for a King,
Never again------
Restlessling.

Moon’s beauty I found within your eyes. Amen

"MONSTRANCE"

2010-09-20T23:38:00.001-06:00

Only peace comes here I find,
While storms twirl and whirl away,
Celestial ---cerebral
Basal cortex—rock solid
As she came.

Whirling and twirling
Moon dances
Under sun----storm rages
And rages
Drums pound and pound away
STUPID SON OF A *(&*&)^(^&%#@*)&)&!
Far too often
Way too long---He heard them say
Drums pound-----
And pound
And pound behind his eyes
On his nose
Pound as they scream!
Screws tighten screws tighten.

No body knows-----
No one ---- not a soul----
Silently screaming running
Shhhh ----look at his eyes---
You might see him cry.

Pound and pound away
Pound damn drums
Pound away.

And peace found once
Twice again again
Calls
A bottle not
Nor a capsule be
But found for him only in silence
Peace came
Drums stopped
Screaming silenced- finally
Peace came
On bended knee.

"Mercy"

2010-08-31T19:51:00.000-06:00

Light dances
Light sings
Love swings out on gossamer wings
PANTHEON! PANTHEON!
O where O where to go
So many choices
What if they say no!

Electrons escape
Across last bended knee,
Dubiquous kindness
----without deeds to show------
Pantheon’s laugh
Little girls ran and play
While boys went out for baseball
On a crisp Autumn day.
I wonder where I will go this day?

When puppies laugh
And cats begin to scowl
Love entered bedside---
And came out on a oily street.
Yet still---
Everyone looked away---

Yet still everyone looked away
As garbage cans burned
Shopping carts made homes
Cardboard mattresses
And newspaper wrapped for blankets
HOME AGAIN!! YIPPIE!!
How much fun was Cabo?
Shining on mountains vastness????
What great adventure saw you this day?
Gin and condom and syringe.

“Justice”

2010-08-30T22:22:00.000-06:00

Light dances across your face
Sun glistens upon your neck
Candles flicker-------------
To dance,
As I dream
To hold your hand
To caress your skin
In breeze
Of fire’s warmth
In crackles dance
Again and again
To Him we look
Each day so new
To Him
Who becomes our food.

I rest again
As deep thunder clouds roam
To gaze upon eternity
Not knowing day’s beginning----
In Night’s exposure
I waited this day
Such a reward as this
No greater love we know
Brought together to serve You.

War on homelessness

2010-08-20T23:24:00.003-06:00

There have been sometimes in my past that if it had not been for very aggressive help by family and friends that I could have ended up homeless or worse. I was reading an article in American Legion Magazine about the homeless initiative by VA Secretary Shineski. I have read various case studies on homelessness and while defiantly not well educated in the area I understand many of the issues. I understand on both sides of the spectrum. I have looked into the eyes of homeless people as so many have while trying desperately to help them. I have experienced also what it is like to have one's utilities shut off and to have to go to a food shelf. I know what it is like to be so frustrated when trying to obtain proper housing for a homeless individual and run up against walls. I know what it is like to not trust those who want to help as I feel deep down that they are trying to hurt me. I know also when I have done all I can do to help a person and have to say NO I can not help and having my heart break in a hundred pieces. I have served in uniform and I also see brothers and sisters who have served and face the same demons. Yet, it is not as much the veteran population or even the adults that haunt me .... it is the little ones who face horror on the streets.

The problem is huge and I recognize that. I know that there is not a quick fix to this issue. Radical steps have to be taken to not only house people but help them heal. Then issues of substance abuse come into play. Self medication to help forget yet all it does is make it worse. It would have been so easy for me. It was only God's grace that held me up.

I started to write this and wanted to lambaste Mayor Goodman of Las Vegas for some of his policies yet I realize he too is fighting a battle of monumental proportions. It is easy for me to comment yet what am I doing? What am I doing to make a difference? Maybe there is too much tossing our hands up in the air about this situation and way too much acceptance that some how this is normal or acceptable. Maybe Americans should be upset and even angry about the plight of those who for what ever reason have slipped through the fabric of society. Maybe the question I have to ask is why am I not doing more-- why aren't we doing more? Maybe I should be praying that God helps me to make a difference and not complain about what is not done. Maybe we all need to ask what can we do.

I carry the memory or those eyes of people who were homeless and suffering in my mind and will for the rest of my life. I remember in someways seeing those eyes look at me from a mirror years ago. I need to remember those eyes and the feeling in the pit of my gut as I looked at them. I need to remember the desperation and embarrassment I felt in going to a food shelf. I need to remember the frightened feeling of not being able to trust anyone and how panicked I felt. I don't think God heals and makes us better just so we can do what ever we want and not help others who are back there where we were at. I think, He does those miracles in our lives expecting us to be instruments of healing to others.

Still in the early hours of the morning the fear comes in. Still sometimes I find it hard to trust. It is in those times that I have to lean on Jesus. It is in those overwhelming times when I want to run and hide and give up.......that I have to remember that Divine Mercy Image and say to Jesus......."I trust in You." I pray this day to him that in the future I can help more in the war against homelessness. I pray also that I may keep Him and His eyes ever upon my mind as I go through my day.

Minnesota Coalition for the Homeless

Catholic Charities of St. Paul and Minneapolis

"In flight.........in sight"

2010-08-20T23:21:00.000-06:00

Sandstone pebbles
Rocks turned to glass
Pricilla wants another drink,
Squandered fortune she keeps
Hidden behind her ears
For Thee
For Thee
Rose came too late this sad day for Thee.

Bouquets presents
In hands quivering anew
Stained with tobacco rancidities
Gin on breath
Water on toast
A sad song awaited-----
Straining to play
And Rose---------------
Sad Rose came too late this day for Thee
For Thee-------
For Thee---------He cried-------
Rose came to late this day for thee.

And with hearts still wondering
Questing souls aright
She waited on spot
For Mercy
For Mercy
Rose ran quickly
Never the more on time
Love’s choice----------
Never too late,
Rose which came from Thee
------------to me----------------------
TO ME!!!!
Rose came this day from Thee.

"Antiquity waits for no one"

2010-08-19T21:19:00.000-06:00

God’s Peace----fairest maiden
On time
No longer so noble
Bright young ass
And then she walked
Towards hexahedron
With a mouse in her ear
Dancing so gay------of lost
And strayed away.

Hexahedron passes
From castles without
To mansions waiting-----------within.

Leave me you fool
To dance---------to sing
To run naked through streets
On a cold Christmas day.
Your flesh touches mine
Icy--------so warm within
Cold bone transformed
To run through fire
In mansions within.

So clouds waved
Flowers tramped to grow
To bloom
On path of stone and pebble keeping.
Naked with robes
Waiting on rocks heated
Facing blackness------the waters crashing
And the cold
-------------Escaping?

Deep within----------------------
So blackest night
Pitch-----------ash
Covered her ass
In snow to fall
As months pass away
In silence-----------we march
Towards mansions within.

Walking for NAMI

2010-08-11T20:33:00.001-06:00

I have done other benefit walks which were very important to me. This is also personal. We should never live in shame or allow those we love to either. We should never give up fighting. It was because of this battle that I choose to press on with school and pray that through God's grace I can help others and allow Christ to work through me in a greater way. I was given a gift by God my prayer is to live and serve God in others.....especially the suffering...so that I can maybe give a gift back to Him. My blogs, maybe minus the random rants and the prose have been to try to give God honour and glory and to give hope to others.

http://www.nami.org/walkTemplate.cfm?section=NAMIWALKS&template=%2Fcustomsource%2Fnamiwalks%2Fwalkerpage.cfm&walkerID=138668

"My Big Sister"

2010-08-02T23:45:00.000-06:00

Quietly, softly, gently, lovingly
Amid ocean breeze
And forest quench
Rose light rose red
And grew from water’s fall
Amidst winds and rain
Rose light rose red.

On beauty so softly
Words of hope began to speak
Vines and thistles no more
And softest dance
In quiet celestial street
Orchestra carried away
Rose light rose red.

At close of Day-------with you-----
……..to sing……………
Happiness no longer fleeing
To hold your hand
And step---------one, two, three away
Gallantly---amazingly enchanted
Rose light rose red.

To years so long
Builds up in time----------graciously
I saw burning embers in your eyes
I waited once more
Fairest maiden------to love?
To love?
Only He can open the door
To let in light
And roses so red.

I will walk on clouds
And sing songs of love
And dance-----a song----a hymn never to be taken away
For once and three
We gather on bended knee
Happiness to go through soon opened door
In my hand
To you once again
Roses in light
So beautiful and red
Rose light roses red.

changling............

2010-08-02T21:22:00.002-06:00

Today seems is one of those days. Big changes began to visibly show themself. Really change came within....change always begins within. For good or ill change finds it's genesis within the heart. Transform my heart Lord should be my cry.....my prayer. To really have lasting change outside the transformation must begin within. I have to pray for the fire of the Holy Spirit to decend into my heart and transform me even more......then change works itself exteriorly. I think if I really want to see God at work through me then I have to pray even more for transformation.

I am rambling tonight....I am tired and need to go to bed. Maybe my pray should be when I see things in the world I do not like is to ask God to transform the world.......and begin through me.

In the cleft of the Rock.....

2010-07-29T09:38:00.007-06:00

Home today. I have had an abscess tooth a few weeks back which after some dental work and penicillin came back. Now back on antibiotics again I decided that maybe I did not have to be super tuff and I could take the pain medication they prescribed. I hate taking pills and I dislike even more pain medication. It brings back memories of surgeries long past and being incapacitated. Mentally numb in a way as the world sped around me. I never, thanks be to God, developed an addiction, but it scared me that I might back then and so to this day I would rather tuff things through than just take something temporally for relief. Maybe it was some kind of pride on my part that I could secretly be in great pain and offer it all up while going on with my daily activities. This really got my attention though. A combination of pain from this and some things I am working through along with a very busy schedule and I found myself stopped for a time. Maybe it is time to rest, pray and sort things out a bit.

Several big changes are coming up in my life in the not too distant future. Changes for the good-- at least I think so-- none the less there is a time of big transition coming up. As I take a minute to think on this I realize that the time that this dental problem has given me might be at the best time. Time to slow down a bit and prepare at least in my heart and mind for the changes.

On a different note I am hoping at some point to get some help so that I can develop the prose that I write. I am hesitant about this as I want to maintain control however maybe it would be good to learn some skills and pointers that apply to anyone....then I can apply them to my writings.

I am very very tired right now and I am planning to return to work tomorrow. Sleep for me is problematic and lately it has been more difficult. I have tried the man made and human suggested things to combat sleep problems. I need to pray for God's help. On the subject of prayer I was telling a friend this evening that I want to begin praying specifically for certain virtues and gifts/fruit of the Holy Spirit. I think this is a good thing to ask for and something that will help me to bear out my faith in Christ better.

I was given the Holy Card, in the image above, years ago by someone in a prayer group. I know someone now who works in stained glass and I am going to commission her to make this into stained glass. I love this image. The words from the Song of Songs is below the image. The actual Holy Card I was told belonged to St. Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face. I wish I could read it well enough to have the words in English and French.

Off to bed. Thank you God for all your gifts this day.

lessons with Shakespeare in grass

2010-07-24T17:34:00.004-06:00

I went to see an adaptation of Mid Summer Night's Dream in the park today. The troupe that preformed was really good. I want to go back and recommend it. I am reconnecting with a part of me that I have ignored for a while. Yes, I scribble out prose --or what ever that is I don't know-- but the connect to theater, to music and art I forgot just how happy it makes me. I remember working with clay and painting as I sorted through things in recovery. That expression helped me and also being around others who like wise were 'expressing' a hidden side within. I enjoy my work and I hope someday to help other people in a better way and maybe this work and schooling can be a vehicle for it. Yet, I wonder sometimes who I really am and the things that really make me sing within. My prayer life is certainly a major part of that it however, there is another aspect. I forgot about the guy who dreamed of writing a book, wanted to sculpt or learn to play the banjo. Today helped me rediscover a part of me that I forgot about. I am grateful for this day.

I am reading the Divine Comedy right now because someone said it was good and I figured I should read it too. I was trying to tell a friend about it and stumbled around a bit. In Dante's poem there is a ring of hell where the people focus always on the future but not on the present. I at times am guilty of that. I worry about the past or focus on the future and fail to recognize the gift of today-- the gift of the present moment that God is trying to give me. Maybe it is a lack of trust on my part that God will take care of the future. He gave me several big gifts today which I can not thank Him enough. Getting to relax and really enjoy theater outdoors and see Shakespeare presented in a neat way was such a gift. Friendship I know is such an amazing gift. Rediscovering a part of me that I think God wants to grow and develop more was so good. What a fun day and a great play. I hope if someone reads this and can go that you too will rediscover parts of you and allow yourself to enjoy the gift of the present moment.

“Acheron wants”

2010-07-22T22:53:00.002-06:00

And we walked through the valley together that day
Hand in hand in hand in hand
Never looking
Back
Again
In hand in hand in hand
Buffeted storm gives weigh
Darkness comes too quickly at close of Days.

And we sing so quietly
Hush----they might see
Shhhh------just you and me
Whispers sweet echo ------again and again
Loves searches ---------------last call
To hope -----------no more shouting
In silence-----------peace walks with love
Love ushered truth
In darkest valley
As bombs fell that day
“It is time”-----------he says to me
Determined we walk towards love’s goal
Towards love’s goal
As darkness fell
Strong winds could not sweep away
In eyes I gaze -----------a smile---------a grin
Hope becomes this night
And we, together, in valley’s heat
Begin to climb
To climb.
To climb.
Amen.

“non mortis”

2010-07-20T18:04:00.000-06:00

Lost in your eyes
Aware of your smile
Presence always leading
Keeping.

For a time once taken
Soon – rose given
Of old
My heart He keepth—
Never to forget
Forgot------not too soon
Love’s flower in heart’s kept pure.

And I looked at the Face
Of ageless time spent
Remembering
Time -----never quicker.
Old men come
And gone yet still
Robes washed red---at last
In battles cry.

Roses showered
Rain began to fall
To you I looked ----wiped away tears
To you I looked
Lost in your eyes---------------------at last--------------------
Lost in your eyes.

"And all the people sing"

2010-07-13T18:55:00.002-06:00

Dromedaries loaded
Time passing by
Angels wept--------joy come down
And we danced
In your eyes
I took your hand
Heaven---- at last --- on lips as moist
So we walk------miles past
In heat-----past breaking
Forged----- endured----to be stronger
Sing-----my heart
Sing and dance with glee
Forsaken and squandered no more
Time to fall in love with thee
In languages old
Some promises--------so bold
Mercy quickest-------you became my sister
As roses fell
As love swells
Eyes fixed on ------------------------------
-------joy everlasting.

“Saint Peppin’s speech”

2010-07-10T20:48:00.000-06:00

Timbre breaks
Last remains of day
Dawn is ever keeping
As trumpet’s blast
And drums crash
Light escapes---ever keeping
Ever shining
Eternal
Today.

For seven years
Or fifty foretold
Time crept ----unknown---
As Light travels faster
In Darkness he fled
Down to ground----again---and again
Dawns still
Ever keeping.

She stands weeps
Fairest maiden of all
Too soon---mercy to be taken
And acorns fell
To trod on soil
A little dirt between the toes never hurt.

And I thought of you-------------
Lovely --- beautiful child----
As we danced away-----away----
Away--------------------…………….
Fear ran
Transformed
For a time
Renewed to see your face-----again.
I fell in love with you
You never knew
For a time I thought-------
It would be.
Yet one day old----
A smile went away
Astray
His heart filled
And darkness fell
And darkness fell
To soon ------one day-----too soon.

Hope kept
VIGIL-----at last
Weeps strong-----for you once again
Weeps strong -----for you once again.

To see wee Three
Or six on knee
I gave at last
So long-----long ago.
CHALLENGE THEM.
He said to me-----today-----tomorrow
CHALLENGE THEM
POINT THEM-----to ME.

STRIVE FOR LIFE
Today----
Each day
STRIVE
For sake not the beginning
At Day’s length
Darkness fell
As hearts were quickened
DAY enlightening every day
Every day.

March forth to gates
Unfettered with gold
Toward rocks and shoals
Puppy dog tails
Cats whisper--------
I found you again
At start---going forward
Can not see-----
It is not taken away
----or to be-----
Love’s threshold within
This day-------love’s threshold within.

Nights end
To come back again
Mercy ever the quicker
To wait------no shame
But only enflamed.

"UTAH"

2010-06-27T22:46:00.000-06:00

Nestled amid the clouds
Thunders shed her glory
And two choices became one
Death took a holiday not
No peace----humbled child awaits
And then----as sunlight danced and quickened
I saw you there my love
In the crowd--- at noon daylight kept
I saw you there
So the story began in eyes
To hearts to flesh and bone.

In chair sat he
As bullets began to fly
Death’s angel came
Greeted on air
Wave told stories---new
And we waited
----Mercy to open the door
----Mercy to open the door.

For the birds.

2010-06-17T21:37:00.003-06:00

I got up the other morning early. Actually, I had been basically unable to sleep most of the night and finally got up for the last time. I made coffee and then took my cup and sat in the dark on my porch. The air was cool and moist from a light shower which fell over night. All those thoughts which had filled my mind over the course of the night and largely prevented me getting restful sleep began to fall away. Suddenly the roar in my ears was replaced with the sound of scores of birds singing the sun into the sky. Dawn was approaching and the birds wasted no time in telling anyone who would stop and listen that a new day was here. A new day~ a new beginning. I sat drinking my coffee and I ate a couple chocolate animal crackers which I grabbed ahold of as I walked by the cupboard on my way out of the kitchen. Maybe not the healthiest way to begin a day but at that moment I did not care. I sat and listened to the birds and watched the sunlight grow and shine on the trees.

I remembered being a little boy and laying in my bed early in the morning. I liked to listen to the birds in the morning and let them sing me awake. I remember the smell of the honeysuckle bush which was outside one of the windows and that sweet scent that filled the room. Warm light would fill the room along with promise of a joyful day. I enjoyed picking out the tune of a particular bird and listening to it sing away. All that activity so early in the morning and still so very peaceful.

In the night the monsters come whispering lies and half truths and filling minds with worries that we are not supposed to have. Night time is also a time sometimes for me when memories that I try to forget sometimes come back. I don't know why then they attack but they do. Sometimes it gets bad--- really bad and I end up going to adoration in the middle of the night. Sometimes I find my way to the couch in the living room and begin to pray a Rosary or something. Many times I can get back to sleep but also there are many times I don't. The next day sometimes is brutal and this goes on for days. I feel at times like it is a storm that I am going through.

That morning as the storm was quieting down and the birds sang I finished the few animal crackers and then picked up my Bible. I turned to one of my favorite passages. I love to pray out loud this passage especially when various storms are tossing me about. I love to pray this passage in the morning and in front of Jesus in adoration. It is the two canticles in Daniel 3. The story about the three young men who go into the furnace and come out unharmed. They sing God's praises as they go into the fire. I don't think the monsters like those canticles and I don't think they like the birds that sing joyfully in the early morning. The memories dissipate and peace comes as birds sing and I get to praise God. There have been times in the middle of the night that a Rosary or chanting scripture does not help as I wanted. I think especially then it is important for me to persevere in praise.

I am so grateful to God for those birds that sang that morning. We have so many gifts around us each day from birds and animal crackers to the people we meet and encounter. Thank you God. amen.

"Faustina's Theme"

2010-06-13T22:34:00.002-06:00

Daylight descends
As creation ends
Light enlightening everyday
Of Truth to be told
In firmness of old
Life shifts------------------------------------not to pass away
Goodbye dear heart----------goodbye.

And keep we praise
On thanksgiving stay
Or mercy the quicker shall come
Endless joy---------amidst strife
Today to die---------another------
Another---------------
To be snatched away.

And keep we three
Our hearts on Thee
War soon to marry away
Battles fought
In lands so distant
Soon shore to come
In hearts of stone.
Break apart in song
Walls to tumble down
Joyful praise ----------echoing.
Of trumpet blast
Of cymbals crash
Bells sang that day-------------so exultantly.

And did we try
Never to die--------of saddest hymn remembering-------------
We must this day
Renew to transform
Enter tombs---------------trustingly.
We wait---------------------we three------------then four----------------and nine
Friends last------------or so it seems
Fires to enter
Battles to fight
Waiting for love-----------------
Breathlessly.

And did we try
Sing songs in nigh
Around fires
In peace.
I saw her dance-------
I wept in joy
I heard her sing
What a song-----------for love to begin to believe
I saw her heart
And------------------------
As I loved------------
She walked away
Never again to turn back.

And now I begin
What seemed like the end
New day---from peace He giveth.
To sing for Thee
Some day to find a hand
For life to love to death
Gates set in Pearl
Streets lined in gold
Hearts made to love
United at last
With One.

"Meatless in Bethlehem"

2010-05-31T20:52:00.001-06:00

Lifting
Hand to sword
Never keeping always reaching
Sword to air
Quite a slice
What a beautiful sight
To ground and up
To slice atwain
Mice and snakes
Such a beautiful sight

No fear awaits
Only behind
Rocky mountain fastness
Curiosity reached her peak
Never to change
Never to repeat
Of days and minutes
Across burning grass
Hands lifted up
-----------preparing to slap---------------
Entering Daylight cross over in Night
Fires rage and roar at sea level
Anew-----again-------anew.

And I this day
Gazed at you
For the first time
Broken---------sacrificed
Honor placed on mantles gone
Restored to hearts’ afresh.

And we dear brothers
Lift ourselves and cheer
Our fight shall be
In purity restored
In duty held high
We happy blessed fools
Who howl
Who snarl
Who sing
Who cry
To fight mice and rats and snakes
Waiting at tomorrow.

One for all
Upon a Tree
We gazed transfixed at our eternity
Past
Today
A moment held high
Splash waste not
Upon robes dressed
Battles rage on.
Battles rage on.
White-----------Red------------White
And then in silence
Hearts now to still
To you------------I sing---------------
To One.

"Odessa"

2010-05-28T21:13:00.001-06:00

Choppy winds and storm tossed seas
Sails set all along
Long ago they left this place
Only to return anew.

New friends come what may
In joy
In gratitude
Peace shall come
Wicked snake
Running slimly bug
And they looked
And they ran
Toward Jerusalem going
Upon walls built so long
Brass tall and strong

Soon to be war to come
Decision made long ago
Fortune tellings sons lay dead
Their wives to uphold a nations dread
And husbands strewn on desert floor
While gypsies sing in houses gold.

Across the waves on storm tossed seas
Tranquility waste
Child left to be
Of limbs
And balls
And toys
And guns
Only days-----given to a mother’s son.
Never to come again……….never to come again.

Fire came down
Upon water rose
Desolations visible again
Again
Again
They chose the path they walk
And sons ran out
Parched lips sang song
Weeping to come………..again?

In cities roam
In space gained for them
I saw her smile
I saw her smile
She sang my song
And I………………………………….never looked back again.

"ONE DAY."

2010-05-23T21:08:00.000-06:00

Challenges left
And dry as a bone
Never to be repeated
Lonely heart waits
Never to come
Love taken away.

Of moon light kisses
And fancy plates
Of dances kept------step…..step
Of barriers lifted
Hope restored anew

In your heart ------ my love
In your heart.

Clock ticks----no time wasted away
Sunny day dreams,
And I saw you there-------
Your smile------taken a grin too quick
I carried your lips in a jar
And we walked hand in hand.

A problem once seen
Never grew past midnight sun
In darkest hours
In loneliest night
In cries which pierced the minds of good men
-----and women----everywhere
To solitary pain
Known but not understood
I saw you.
I saw you-------there.

Never to stop
Never to give up
Love knows no bounds-----
To screams echoing at Night.
To desolations
In tremors shattering black
In coldness-------as THEY smiled and laughed
I cried.
Yet-----I know------
You did not wait-------
You were there-------------
I saw you --------there.

Pain seldom leaves
Pain seldom left
Transformed burning hot
I dance on gold
She had peals in her ear
I took the sword------the meat was good-----
A meal made from the heart.
It left and ran in the oven.
A smoldering furnace
No pizza stoned could bear
And we danced………step……….step……..step
Again and again
Never left
We became friends-----only speaking
Just a whisper in hearts shouting for joy------
Relief.
Again and again…………..
Love transformed as cannons shot
And muskets blow
Trifle things laughed at.

But in desolations day
On coldest stay
In bed’s recovering
My friend at my side
A tree in our eye
Rose came gathering
Not to with stand
Never a bit
Love came in search of marriage
And life took a bow
For dances kept still
Stepping stones became our song.

You left and you never
Knew what I wanted to say
I’m falling and can’t seem to get up.
Only a moment------frozen in time
I knew it then------yet it was too late
Only to say-------only to try
Only to look
Your heart in our eye
My heart trembles------------
To hold your hand
Never to find this way again
Yearning to see
Longing to hear
Love’s recipe to find its way in a year.

Goodbye you see--------------
Never to return----------------------
I walked back from Egypt
Holding hands with my friend.
Amen.

"Thetis' delight."

2010-05-18T12:09:00.002-06:00

Little tails and entrails lay scattered across the board
From sea to sea,
From coast to coast,
he draws them,
None the more
Little slimly slug----salt will dry you up.

Storm comes,
Trouble looms
On beaches
A scream
A shriek
No more make merry
From coast to coast
From sea to sea,
he draws them
Wet little rat
Disease ridden creature,
Only poison to stop you
Dead in dumpster again.

And then they came
And fast they ran
Away as black clouds filled their sky
Lightening crackle
Thunder rolls.
Cold wind blows across the sand.
Death looms---------------
Bells toll…….toll…….toll………toll…..toll…….
As waves crash
And sand blows
They ran----------
They ran----------
They ran----------!

Trumpet blow------as angel sped—
Across skies
Blue to black
Run my love
Run my friends
Run---- ---- ----run.

And I looked ----
And I smiled-----
I gazed-----
I knew----what was to come
Was not from you.

Peace ruled the Day-----
----Deep-----so deep in my heart
Peace ruled the day.
Amen.

"It's not for you."

2010-05-16T21:38:00.001-06:00

Shod ill and poorly clad
Vapourings her delight
Nestor gave dance----
----only to fall away,

And I came and looked
That day into your eyes
Seas beyond crystal waters
Deep ---so very deep.
She shouted----they all came
Yet, shuttered I
Only three times since
For I stood
Firmly ground---not to shift asunder.

My friend----he told me---
Your time has come----
Never to morn again?
Someday –my Hope---someday.

Yet shod ill only scantly clad
Loud rumblings were heard in the distance
Of horses left---
Of children’s fright
Roses bloomed in the snow
--blood washed to ground was their water.

Never to run
Never to play
Rose left untouched and broken
Never to grow anew

Mercy kept time that Day
As we waited on bended knee.
As we waited on bended knee.
Goodnight my love
-----taken away-----
Goodnight my love-----Goodnight.

"Standing Upon."

2010-05-15T12:19:00.001-06:00

Puddles splash drop after drop
In yellow boots shiny
Drops of mist
Quiet rain fell against her heart.

Rose ran to meet lost love that day
Rose given not to be taken away
No tears but joy
No fear but peace
Rose ran home to play.

In trees once given
On rocks awashed from soot
On grass freshly hidden
Destiny told tales of old
Men and women
Fears and fortunes
Sick, ill and at death.

Yet, still, once again
Mercy kept in silence.
Rose gave a hand
Rose prayed
On yellow---on red----on white
Or green----fear hidden never
Healed only to be taken away.

Sunset came----in puddles filling
I waited
I stopped
I prayed
And given a chance, to live once more
In tree with rose
To Thee I pray.
Thank you for your love
In rain fell
Of hope and peace
Shall come to tell.

"Amore."

2010-05-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

Rose came Red
And fell from the sky
In hand on Rock
Chasing Night against light
Chasing Night towards hope
Keep hope alive
Keep hope alive.

Rose came yellow
In stillness blackened air
Never to be seen
Hidden
She remains there
Striving to love
Never to see another?
Blackest Night descend
Held my hand……………
And then we ran
Love knows no bounds
Love knows no bounds.

Rose came white
In fresh desert air
Hot parched earth
Blackest Night still present there
Never to love------
Never to love?
Fools tell tales and scamper like mice
Faith shall see her day
Faith shall see her day.

Light pours out
Heart beat and quicken
Sad song left
Joy will be answered
In Rocky fastness
Cleft hidden away
Challenge to be left
In pierced hands this day.
Night shall be no more
Love transformed----------------------
Opened the door.
Peace shall come
Deep within our hearts to stay.

"Truth becomes itself......in love"

2010-05-02T21:52:00.001-06:00

Catch my heart as it falls from the sky
Filled with love
In Heaven’s glory
Falling
Falling…….harder and faster
Catch my heart and hold it in your hands.

Fallen before
Dashed upon rocks
Broken
Broken……in thousands
…..in millions
Pieces laid waste
I saw then that day
Tears for them
Tears upon them
I ran…..
I ran…..
As fast as I can….
A broken heart laid waste

Away from you
I ran…….
Screaming at Night
Feet burned by the sand
Into the desert into desolation
Finding hope ----only----
In the Palm of His Hand.
Yet still ---- I missed you so
And so------ I ran.

My skin---became burnt
My flesh became hot
Sleep none existent
Peace only ----in silence
Peace only ----in drops so red
Like dew
Like rain
They fell----splashed ----sprayed
Upon my
Spear’s point----
Lacerated flesh
Finally I found peace that day.

I think of that day
When I ran
And I ran
From you faster than I can comprehend
I think of that heart
Which fell upon rock—
Never caught
Only broken
Pain befits himself
I look back now-----
Hope fills my heart
New created
Upon the sands of time
Filled with joy
Filled anew with love
Filled this day-----with gratitude
For Him that I love
I thank Him for allowing me
To be broken
To be broken
Again ……..again…….
That He still rebuilds
Those He calls His friend
For you ----for me----throughout history
We run into the desert
Seeking our true best friend
Thank you for point the way
Thank you still for lifting me up each day,

Newly created
Still unsure of myself……
Ventures forth towards a call
Unknown…….
Unheard……
In desert waste
Upon burning sand
I now look back
Whispering the echo-------
---I miss you my friend.

"Speaking Frankly"

2010-04-27T22:17:00.000-06:00

Three trees grew when one stood before.
A thousand red apples lay waste
Noon gives way to darkness
Night becomes light
All transformed
Within Your heart.
Down in Your heart.
Down in your heart.

Misery fled before your glance
Tenderness--- the daggers kiss
Against your cheek
Tightly on Your flesh
Daggers lay waste at noon
For sin taken away
Now to be restored.

"Her son"

2010-04-24T22:42:00.001-06:00

In darkness carries
Abyss-----
Transformed
Outside light pours
Yet-------black
Yet-------black.

Stain gone
Long taken away
Splashed blood upon altar
Sorrow dances in the other room.

Blackest whispers
Scattered jeers
Torments hang
One by one
Torments hang
Blackest whispers
Again and again.

Open book
Today at last-------open book.

"Water's Edge........another day"

2010-04-21T23:14:00.001-06:00

A hope once given
Now lies on desert sand
Restored for a time
Renewed.

Desolation's waning day
--------a promise--------------
-----just a few little words--------------
Always kept -----concerned about nothing------
Order kept
Promises made
Fulfilled. Completed.
Finally ----never again taken away.

You did it---------this day-----
Smile and look to the sky
A beginning has begun
A witness bore
A journey begun------ a lifetime in the making-------
Sand fell out-----only a little this time
With open hands
A heart bent on love
A heart bent on love.

Rejoice my son
Again.
Again
Again.
Strongly------loudly-------exultantly
With a whisper and a smile-------
Rejoice!

2010-04-16T21:44:00.002-06:00

Do Not Worry
Fr. Walter Cizek, SJ

"Now with almost blinding clarity and simplicity, I realized I had been trying to do something with my own will and intellect that was at once too much and mostly wrong. God's will was not hidden somewhere "out there" in the situations in which I found myself; the situations themselves were His will for me. What He wanted was for me to accept these situations as from His hands, to let go of the reins and place myself entirely at His disposal. He was asking of me an act of total trust, allowing for no interference or restless striving on my part, no reservations, no exceptions, no areas where I could set conditions or seem to hesitate. He was asking a complete gift of self, nothing held back. It demanded absolute faith in God's existence, in His providence, in His concern for the minutest detail, in His power to sustain me, and in His love protecting me. It meant losing the last hidden doubt, the ultimate fear that God will not be there to bear you up. It was something like that awful eternity between anxiety and belief when a child first leans back and lets go of all support whatever—only to find that the water truly holds him up and he can float motionless and totally relaxed. "

I read this quote years ago that someone had passed on to me. I think alot about the term grasping at straws. That feeling that if I can just do this or that a problem can be solved. Obviously pride on my part.....only God has the solutions that really matter. How to navigate through the piles of straw that I face at times is a challenge-- but God gives the grace I think if we ask.

I remember when my daughter was little we were outside and went to a sandbox. I was trying to explain something to her and I got on my knees near the sandbox. I had her kneel down also and we both picked up sand in our hands. I told her when both hands were full and together to then squeeze tightly. Of course as she did the sand quickly ran out until all but a few grains we left. I see the same concept as in grabbing at straws or in Fr. Walter's example. St. Theresa of Jesus (Avila) speaks of detachment. Something I am working on. I think... that detachment ultimatly comes not in the negative (removing one's self from something or someone) but through trust in God. Trust in God that He loves us and knows the answers much better than we do. To trust in God that He will work things out and even come to our rescue and fight for us if needed is I think the key to detachment. Trusting in the Heart of Jesus is how we detach. See I think lack of trust causes people at some root level to hold on tightly.... too tightly. We fear what we do not know and sand slips out of our fingers as we squeeze tighter and tighter. Still Jesus holds our His Pierced Hands and asks us to step out of our comfort zone a bit with Him. Not so that we will fear but so that we will grow in trust and so that we will know that He really is watching out for us and loves us. He will support us--- He will catch us. I don't need to worry about the future or the past..... I only need to trust that God is handling it for me. The more we trust.... the more we realize He was holding us the entire time and was always going to catch us.

"Oracle 15"

2010-04-12T22:46:00.001-06:00

Double door hung to dry
Wood burning so easily
Random thoughts never cease.

Bright Light has dawned
Burned away the night
Plum tree once hidden
Out to see another day
Fruit in baskets
Flowers before Your throne
Mercy kept----a day----
----a hour-----
Longer than needed---?---
Or not.

Again, with the Light
Chased away dawn
Luminescence.
Luster.
Diamonds in ruff.
Exposed and naked.
Sex for Life-----where it should have been.
No death-----no joy
Love begins this day.

Splashed water.
Chasing dreams?
Reality smiled ----before all.
I did it for you----
He said to me.
Stone rolled away
Shattered to decoration
New gardens
Joyfully replaced old
Gethsemane to Eden.

Calvary for me.
Calvary for me.
Never to climb.
Never to climb.
Spoiled tree
Precious Branch
Hidden spring
Beneath roots Ancient
Now Ascended----Peace
Justice----Authority descend
Transform death
Gift hidden within. Amen.

"One of twelve..."

2010-04-07T20:26:00.000-06:00

Whisper winds forth
Branches blown into night
Mediocrity ran away
Translucent skin
Temptation---it was not again----
Only truth
My love
No flesh takes away.

Cast aside doubt---fear fleeing now---
Never again unnoticed
Pain?

For Him we ran long
For Him we hold hands
Running for Zion
Waters swept away
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.
Never knew what day held----that day.

Whispers echo
Softly, Shattering night
Peace given.
Peace given----my love---
Peace taken away.

In Your Hands-----in Your Heart
In Your love----peace
Blessed peace-----
Shall stay.

"Nothing I Lack"

2010-04-06T22:10:00.001-06:00

Silver tracks in parallel
---Go round and round and round
Past resin drip
Waters Bark
Bark Bark
No more sunshine into
Blankets kept
On wilderness.

Floor laid bear
Upon rocks
Hidden ------------------
For a time
My Jesus ---------give me light.
Shine into the darkest recesses----
Of my heart.
Never to love------- this way again
In Your Eyes. This day.
In Your Eyes--------------This day.

"Hope's Chest"

2010-04-05T23:20:00.000-06:00

Consolations fleeing
Mercy kept
Unceasing
Day enlightening single day

Vanished whispers
Symphonies call
Again transforming day into Day
For you----she said----
For you.

Uneasy chorus breaking
Cymbals crashing
Music swaying
Desolation dived deep
That day
She left me-------
That day-----goodbye.

Never known
Love’s waning chance
Never seen
To dance last dance
Sway song
Mislead---misfortune
Linked in chains
Again and again
Goodbye fairest one
Let them dance at your show.

Reform! Reform!
Transform!
Now is the time.
Yet gazes slipping
Toward dances---flesh
Wonder of nakedness
She never knew???
Diddly winkle ---indeed.

Reformation rebellion
All the same
Chopping down Tree
Chopping down trees.
Mistaken by you
-----------by me.
Amen.

“CANTICLE.”

2010-03-27T13:45:00.001-06:00

Deny not the truth of the love
Which poured out this day.
In light
Blood washed down
In love
Blood washed down.

Today no greater gift
Today never to be repeated
Light never left
Poured out…..
Poured out………..
Eternal gift
Demons fleeing
Mercy keeping
Deny not this truth
This blessed truth
Life given
Never taken away.

Poured out across time
Poured out across humanity
Love poured out
Gift given
Never to be taken away
Squander it not this blessed day.

Today—gift is given.
Today---truth transcends time.
Today----love offered---given
He will never take away.

Turn not.
Deny not.
Life.
Life.
Denied once on tree
Today restored

Life.
Love.
Truth.
Found dignity.
Restored hope.
LIFE-----
Upon Tree.

"318"

2010-03-22T19:39:00.001-06:00

Dwindling yearning kindling
Which way will she go-----again—
Running jumping-----sexuality
---in a bottle---for a price----
Too little--- to go mill.

Minute by minute
Day by day
Choose life-----we singing fools---
Or so they say.

A drop----a blessed drop
A bucket too long that united.
No more---and say it with a smile.

"Dawns Early Night"

2010-03-10T23:57:00.000-06:00

Wash me and fill me
Spirit’s light this Night
No more waiting
No more

None other to complete
None other to complete
Only Your Heart
May I know
Only Your Heart tonight my Love
May I know.
Change me
To Thee again---again---this day
Change me

No more waiting----no more.

“Drinking songs and nursery rhymes”

2010-03-08T20:22:00.000-06:00

Sing a song of six pence
And drink a bottle of rye
A mongrel black bird----
Is trying to poke out my eye.

Never another ray belong
Until peace be given
Struggle to climb in day
Spring no where none.

Sing a song
Sing a song
Gaze into your Eyes once more
Walking hand in hand
Little seed unsown
Drifts into the sand.

Sing a song this Day
And change it in a year
Say goodbye-----Let Go---
And now anew Hello.

She was afraid to be apart
Something bigger than herself
No promises broken
No promises kept
And we drank their wine
And sang their songs
And ran naked in rebellion on that day
Sing a song
Sing a song.

Fair maiden loss
Ye bonny lass
For told you in languages unknown
Spoken softly
Laughing and sneezing
With tears that fell
Feet poorly shod.
Sing a song my dear
Belt it out and sing it strong.

You love to touch it
----they will never know
Fallen a little
All is better -----in box
Sing a song this day
They will never know.

Jubilation and Rejoicing
Exultation-----you mean me
You should praise? Ring rounded round
Bees in a cave
Looking out his eyes
Pale streams ran
Muddled next to Tree
Upon Tree
Upon Tree
I can’t take my eyes away
You did it for me.

Quote of the week

2010-03-07T20:25:00.003-06:00

"Do not wait until others bring you other messages that do not lead to life, but make yourselves missionaries of Christ for the brothers and sisters where you live, work, study ..." Pope Benedict XVI (March 7, 2010 at the parish of San Giovanni della Croce in Colle Salario in the Diocese of Rome)

"Decision."

2010-03-03T20:02:00.004-06:00

Twilight’s past as day light end
Snow capped mountains
Fell down ..down ..down
Give weigh of glistening tomorrows----
---give way.
And count the seed which fell….
Across your face.

Never ending daylight
Love’s gait steps wide
Long last at day end
Shadows dance across your face.

Fleeting glances once stole away
Now waits again on this new day
Of nights and night and nights again
Darkness never quicker saying hello to a Friend.

Once left I, against stones backdrop
Trodded and interrupted
Again and again
Once left I, not withstanding these
Looking at a face from antiquity
Once left I, never I thought to return.

Newness ran out----blackest Night
Never on going
Dry-----so very dry
Straining for tomorrow
In hope all night is bright
-----and blackest blanket still.

Never to see you
Never to hold your hand
Never to gaze upon eyes rent in past things-----
Falderal--------what a sight
Fiddlydee-------what a blessed time.

Dancing and prancing against black drop again.
Stop counting the drops
And look for the slice
To hole
The cut
The rip-------you left
Come out of My side
Fallen fallen fallen
Blood splattered round
Sweat mixed with tears
Tears mixed with blood
Blood mixed with soil
Fallen down again fallen.

Stop coming to me
Leave me to be
Never to look on you again.

“Giorgio sings”

2010-02-28T03:20:00.003-06:00

Amid wandering stand,
Forrest’s kept
Woods burned away
Shattered daylight decends
Pine ocean’s floor

Shadows dance to----
Light running toward comb
Life buds forth ---in freshness—
Gladness--- her flowers kept
Spring in families
--in family---
First a mother
Then a father ----to be again—
Without respite
Without sorrow
Joy kept......for scammering squirrel
And again fog rolls past
Waters crash

Stones throw.....Stones throw...
Away--- toward sounds unknown
Loon a tick.......Tick on loon
And so howls and owl
For forrest kept running away
But here------
To peace
Smoke and water mix
Rolls up cliff
Across faces washed fresh
In newness
For challenges met
So very far away.

Thank you for being my friend
On this and on that most blessed day.

Unreasonable.

2010-02-23T21:01:00.008-06:00

It is has been a while since I last wrote something bloggish. So we begin anew today me thinketh.

I love Lent. I really do. I love this time when all that garbage gets cleaned out and I get just a little bit closer to the man who I was really intended to be. I get, most importantly, just a bit closer to the Heart of Jesus.

If someone would have asked me a year ago where I was at or my plans I might say this or that as if I really had the answers to anything. I am reasonably sure right now I don't other that one thing. I know within His Heart are the answers to anything I will ever dream of asking. I gaze into the future and wonder what next. If I try to look too far I get pretty scared and dizzy. I get these times in the middle of the night when I awaken scared or sometimes just as I fall asleep. Many times I loose a bunch of sleep due to this junk. Bad dream- a- go-go. It is not fun.

All 'the unreasonalbes' come out at night (or occasionally during the day) when these times come. I really dislike those monsters.....'the unreasonables'. They fill my mind with every unreasonable worry and fear. Things that may or may not come true. Thing that may or may not be even reality or not. But the thing is those little demons want you to think that not only they are real and actual but also that you can somehow do something on your own......at 3am. Some call it 'late night hand wringing' with the cares of the world...... to me.... they are nasty little demons. They really hideous thing is that they make you think that somehow your worrying and fear will solve something. Like Atlas holding the world up.... it will all crash down unless my vain worrying holds it up. How brave I am and so very strong. Those unreasonables know that it is important to family and friends that I love that I worry and fret.....lest they perish in the vastness of unreasonableness. Hog wash.

The fears do get pretty bad and I get so very tired at times after a few nights or weeks of that junk. And with daily reality of family, friends, work and school of good and bad and it is exhausting and stressful. I can slip quickly into depression when these times come and have in the past. It is reality and I have to watch for it. If there are extra ordinary stresses then it can really be ruff..... I went through that a few years ago and do not want to repeat that again. I came close back then to giving up and never wanting to come back again. I came to lean on Jesus Christ in the Eucharist especially during that time. I grew stronger and the storms passed. My life in many ways is so much different now than it was then.....right around the time I first began this particular blog. I found out something in those years. I am addicted to Jesus Christ and so much in love with Him and I can not make it with out Him. I have to lean on Him. I am weak..... so very very weak. Still the unreasonables come out and want me to play their game at times. "Will all your worrying add a single day to your life?"

When I was a little boy and I woke up scared I would run into my parents bedroom for help and comfort and most of the time I would get that comfort. I got up last night and came into the living room. I prayed a Rosary. As I was almost finished a peace started to settle upon me. I got the image of a little one with teddy bear in tow going to his mama. "Woman behold your son". My Jesus gave her to me....to us.....such a wonderful mother. Theotokos. As peace comes down and descends into my soul the thought comes to me..... we are called to be like her. We are called to not only be God's little ones and the Blessed Mother's little ones but also we are called to be little Theotokos...today...this day. She comes to us laden with gifts from her Divine Spouse for us. Peace, Joy, Love, Faith and Hope to name a few. All these gifts which cause the unreasonables to flee.

There are times that I do not like Lent. I want to be comfortable and do my own thing. Docility is not easy and we must work at it. Those unreasonables help me at times as I realize my total dependence upon Jesus Christ through Mary to survive. Maybe we have to face those times of battle so that we really know peace. Maybe somewhere in me I had to see all those millions of unreasonable possibilities and even the reasonable ones too and realize I can not do anything about any of it. I have no control. However, our Father is in control. Our Father loves me and He reminds me of that in Adoration, at Mass, after confession and when I pray with His beloved daughter, our Blessed Mother. He reminds me through those and other ways to listen to His voice which speaks again and again..... "Do not be afraid. Trust in my Love."

Have a blessed Lent and a glorious Easter free and clear of your own unreasonables.

"Jesus I trust in YOU!"

“Hope’s child”

2010-02-12T22:49:00.001-06:00

Mexican sunsets dance through the night
Glistening sand----
Roses fallen fresh----
Bud’s delight against her flesh—
Laughter abounds in moonlight’s glow…
Hope came….tied up in bow
Trinity failed never again
Of warmth
Of sweetness of kisses hidden’
And a touch from hand to hand.

He waited that day
He longed for that love
Found hidden……
Unnoticed……
Until daylights warmth swept them away.

Trice they left
Thrice they came again
Newness danced in her eyes
Resolutions he kept sprung up-
Strong. Determination with a smile.
And they danced----
And they sang---
Drinking wine
Proclaiming their liberty—
Prayers answered
Faithfulness met.
Peace came at sunset
As Fire burned within…….

Again they sang
Until dawn’s early light.
Sweet justice rendered---
Hands of bronze----
Bent on love
Bent on gratitude
Bent on praising
---Him who they made.

Shattered……
Scattered……
Awakened once more---
Light became as night
They began to run away.
They began to run away.
Glistening bodies glow
Torn flesh—
In sinews pride---
Left again that day
Never repeated?

Across streams and valleys
Oceans prepared to surge
Running frolic
Nakedness kept playing
Touching…..
Staying….
Against backdrop
Volcano’s began to blow.

Brought together
This Lady-
Pointed past through the Night.
Antiquity waited for Her song.
Destiny awaited her heal.

And so the song-----
Begins to be sung………………

“On saddest song”

2010-02-05T19:51:00.001-06:00

Jagged rocks and boulders lay bear
Blood soaked shirt stains the earth below.
Terra screams.
Rachaels anguishes
Never to come again
It is the end.

I saw her face in tears that day
Never recognizing the other
I didn’t know—
They came to play
She ran and ran and ran away.
Mercy descended poured out---out ---out.
Love became embedded within our hearts.

No more the fight—
No more the slain—
Agony stretches—mounted upon Tree.
And they walked in as two
And walked `out as one
Life taken---a gift thrown away.
Judgment rent upon tile.
Tears fell down from the skies.
Destiny kept its evil plot----
---while Providence marched on
Poured out---a little love
Poured out----and the skies began to rain.

Fleeing night in noonday sun
Terror came from all sides
We saw what we did
In pit
In grave
In furnace
In bags taken to the city dump----
Ripped open to become food for dogs.

Goose steps in circus
Lions readily roar----chasing maidens
And old men as well
Laughter and cheers
Snickers and jeers
Songs replay again and again-------------
As the baskets float upon the waters
As the baskets float upon the waters.

Today it ends-----for so many it begins
Stories waiting to be told
Crying to see her face once more.

“Silence wanders.”

2010-02-03T20:48:00.000-06:00

Breaking time
Breaking waves
Across seashores distant
Trouble flees her face.

No worries
No fear
Rest upon waters
-----fit for two-----

Time remains no more
Daylight shines upon her throne
In newness
In joy
Leave yourself behind
Leave yourself behind.

Love has found it’s rest
In purest hearts this day
Once broken –
Once forsaken-
Friendship grows anew.
Joyfully.
Peacefully.
Gratefully.

“Gratitude”

2010-02-02T18:37:00.000-06:00

Lately I have loved-----
And loved again this day
Of hope
Of dreams
Of impossible things
His light dawns in my heart.

Tomorrow dreams-
Carried away all fear-
Death can be no more
Sin taken away.

Of late is purity
So late is love
Truth became a beacon
Across the desert sand
No more darkness—no more
Light unto Light---he gives me.
Today---our story unfolds.

Awareness.

2010-01-20T23:41:00.007-06:00

*********THIS POSTING INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK.*************

“Doomed from the beginning?”

2010-01-18T23:02:00.001-06:00

Ages pass on beating drums
Storms come and go---
Blood spilled on streets flow
Again and again
What honor??

What courage taken -
Yet again to move
To see gain in coin
In land of gloom.

Ages run---
Ages run---

Hope comes to Point
Point gives to day—to Day
Again----useless?
Again—hopeless?

Only in sight within can they see---
Only in sight within can they see—

Courage lacks upon threshing floor
As blood spilt lies rats
Running in a maze.

Again and again----
No despair—no more.
No rancid flesh underground lies
Light begins amidst
Agonies child cries.
Spring forth yon light
Spring forth this day and sing
In pain …. In death
The birds again ….
Began to sing.

"On the edge"

2010-01-17T20:35:00.001-06:00

Lady kills. The day is long….....
Justice rendered –never late
Freedom’s quest – freedom’s aim
Evil’s escalation –desolation came
Justice rendered ---never late.

Mercy holds pathways unknown
Lone weary traveler be.
Sunsets dance at great delight
Hope’s midnight---- bombed out again
Yet, too soon
Justice rendered ---never late.

Nothing lost—or so they say
Gained last shred of dignity
Revealed vanity.
Freedom’s quest—served to late this day
Another story untold
Yet again,
Another story untold.

Sad song little princess
Destruction at her feet.
Now to come thee an angel
Never of flesh—and again.
Sad song little princess
As screams pierce the air.

Justice will find him
And chain him to air
Sad song little princess
Soon never to cry again.
Your leg was only taken
Your heart belongs to Him.

Justice rendered soon on shores untold.
Truth generated.
Mercy stands up.
Love becomes himself.

"...your mother's heart."

2010-01-11T00:19:00.002-06:00

In hearts transformed
In love renewed
A light shines that once was dead

Tired old fool
Left alone to himself
Justice descends at break of Day
(They think he should do this---
----we know better)
Leave him and run off
Frolic while you may
Money is always easier----
When sex becomes his slave
Draw water—get in the bath
Pretend you love him—then he will call you back,
He thought you didn’t care---
He knows you love him now.
Sad song never play--- you never have to listen to his stories---
Love? – a metaphor—an illusion—
A dream—(or so they say)
Faithfulness will never be exposed again
On this day-
Darkness came at close of day.

No more the fool-
Dreams ran away-
No miracles—no hope—rotting flesh.
Sex so fun—never free—
Orgies delight—no pain—no agony.
Eternity today as nakedness revealed.
Frolic—run---dance—drink------and play
All a game.
Nothing else matters.

Paycheck to paycheck.
Send those fools back home.
(They never knew—they will never know.)
Beauty lies between sheets
And not in the eyes.
Hearts to praise them----never to love HIM.
Echoes of the past?????
Or Eternity knocks……..
Transformation????? Renewal????
Darkest days await.
Today is the day of decision.

“Have mercy upon us O Lord. In Your compassion blot out our offense. Wash us more and more from our sins.”

"Mercy never sleeps."

2010-01-11T00:15:00.003-06:00

Dances quest at close of day
Noontime shines with the brilliance of Night.
Sad song named he
Waiting for the day that never came
…….he drove himself mad…….
As help never came.

Dances quickest step went on around
Partiers merry and go.
They never knew his sorrow
They never knew her pain.
His words never came out again
And the dance went on
And on and on
And the dance went on.

Quick glances left
Conversation ended
Power left the building as lines came down
Blackout….Brownout….she wanted out
Anything but to see him again.
Slated in dust
Wood to soil
Goodbye never had a chance
Goodbye never had a chance
His death came and went unnoticed
At his own hand.
Is this the end?
Never—never –ever again??

Love dance ended.
With pills…….
With blade…..
With rum and gin…….
The hand she held
Now turned blood red
Long sleeves covered the scares
Life bled away…..
Life bled away…
Desolation weighed down
Down….down….down….
They never asked------
---they never knew.

“Their dignity.”

2010-01-08T23:41:00.001-06:00

+Pray for us O Holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.+

Of hearts renewed
Of hope restored
Of purity lying… in flowers
A body of love
A body of flesh
A body of desire—again this day—
A body of birth
A body of life
A body for life
A body of prayer to Him
Who created…..
Restored……..
Loved…..
Ransomed……
Redeemed……
Loved……again
Loved and made
Holding a heart
Made only for one thing
To love.

Take shame away
Cast off the lies
Look at yourself anew…………
This day…..
Fresh…
Sparkling…..radiant..
Joyful!
With heart set
On joy…
On laughter…
On compassion
On love.

Look at yourself anew---
This day
Fresh… hope filled…
A body made in
His love
A body made with love
A body made for love……
In the wonders
Of His Heart.
In the wonders of His Heart.

“My Mercy will sustain you.”

“Paris is burning: 1992!”

2010-01-08T23:22:00.002-06:00

Charred flesh-
Bones laid bear—
Naked sinew fleeing…..
Jagged lines
Rudimentary rhymes
Truth told in safekeeping

War is hell.
Hell reigns today. As brave soldiers-
Run and pray.

Wounded hearts, shattered minds
Limbs no more in Fortune’s Land.
Patriotism has a cost.
Flags wrapped in blood.
Bodies draped with flags.
Warrior grow and never cease.
Satan rules upon desks and tanks.

No more the enemy
Only Priam’s sons fighting
Only Priam’s sons loosing
Humanity against the Greatest Enemy
The sons of Abraham Unite!....
Under banner of peace and love
Given by a Maiden destined pure.
Serpents lay crushed beneath bare foot.
Humanity redeemed.
Fruit untouched returns to Tree.
Peace created and humanity redeemed.

“God bless America.”

“Scandalize Magdalene”

2010-01-08T22:24:00.001-06:00

Destiny foretold years and ago
Fates hope her recompense
Judgment draws
Dwindling last breath
Blood soaked skin
Mud upon hand.
Striking terror of years gone past
Sickening smell never drifts away.

She ran from his hand.
She ran from his flesh.
She ran- ---she ran----- she ran------
Years past –tired old maid-
Spotted rebel in her day

Gone no more around..
No peace to be found
Rebellion—war—disaster---came each day—
Blood splattered bourbon
Gin mixed with hair
Destiny’s policeman----was never there
Gone ---alone---she dwindles.

Choices made in haste – years gone by
Trapped fatal messenger ----sex became her slave
Her body—a tool—loose--- broken---battered-------abused.
Alone today- always alone.
No more princess…..all hope shattered….
Send help? Never- no more??
Destiny’s kindred--- slutty little tramp.

Forgotten – alone—
Dignity dawns—in darkness alone
Dignity dawns—in darkness alone
On cold night…..
On windy day….
Light comes only at darkest day.
Stand healed –ransomed –delivered….
TODAY.
“It was never supposed to be that way.”

Miracles happen.

2010-01-07T19:56:00.003-06:00

Gathering dawn trips sunset rising
Hearts broken and taken away
Juliet rambles into space untaken
Miracles vanished from her sight
Repeating hymn echoes in the night
Restore-Renew----But how??

No more desolation
No more the wandering- drifting---drifting.
Flesh lay exposed
Naked and wet
Cold with tears that wash away blood
Spattered and scattered.
Lives lay in ruin
Cash is abundant as destinies are altered
Rules kept now broken away
Hearts broken and taken away.

Desolations end upon knee
Death reverses and flees
Sight set……………….Sight set…………..
Gazing upon Tree.
Enough for today.
Gazing upon Tree.

Truth rings eternal.

2010-01-03T00:43:00.006-06:00

Smelly old man walking alone
Kicked and jeered-
By all who pass by.

Smelly old fool
Grizzly and bad---foul stench rises up
Running from flight.
Cardboard and waste
Bugs and rats galore....
Booze brings comfort
Booze brings comfort
Needle brings him home.

No one--- alone.
Alone.
Alone.

Kick the old fool
(Gum in his ear)
Satan's doorstop at the gates of hell
Let him know these-----lessons he needs
See if he will do THAT again.
(We told him we would do this.......he would not listen)

How dare he ask
How dare he say
How dare he long for love ....one day-
A morsel- a shred- a glimmer-
Hope denied-------YOU Bastard!!!
YOU smelly old man.

Stranded.

2010-01-01T22:33:00.003-06:00

Inquiry wants across the glistening desert floor,
A capsule,
A pill,
Regularity in a haze.... relief at a glance.

No more the sorrow
No more the pain
Suffering want in darkest gloom
Never ceasing ---run to flight.

Expanse -recessing
Vastness--opening
Together now apart no more
Together now apart no more.

On ward we go
Across rocky waste
Across desolation's trail
Empty waste-
Blackest sound-
Only Light on spot.
Only Light on spot.

No comfort only Blindness
Scattering gloom recends.
Painful curmudgeon................
You sick little devil
Look up and see where she left you-
For Day ends
And night far descends
In Light she can see no more--
In Light she can see no more.

Glistening sludge drying----trying
Begin anew this Day.
STRIVE NOW-- Begin anew this Day.

2009-12-26T09:19:00.000-06:00

"To die-- without the Dying
And live-- without the Life
This is the hardest Miracle
Propounded to Belief"

Emily Dickenson

Following up......a Catholic approach.

2009-12-08T15:23:00.003-06:00

The conversion of the soul is a continual process which does not end until the death of the body. The words “follow up”, as I can best understand the usage, refers encouraging the soul towards further conversion and conviction in the faith. Conversion should never be seen as a onetime process for to do so would doom the soul. St. Paul reminds us in his letter to the Galatians: "Note then the kindness and the severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God’s kindness to you, provided you continue in his kindness; otherwise you too will be cut off." (Gal. 5:4) St. Paul goes on further to the church in Corinth “"I pummel my body and subdue it, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." (1 Cor. 9:27) We must strive for heaven and to constantly be converted to Christ. The danger of slipping back through little choices into lukewarmness, serious sin and eventually loss of salvation can be summed up in Revelations.

"I know your works; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, 'I am rich and affluent and have no need of anything,' and yet do not realize that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I advise you to buy from me gold refined by fire so that you may be rich, and white garments to put on so that your shameful nakedness may not be exposed, and buy ointment to smear on your eyes so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and chastise. Be earnest, therefore, and repent!” (Rev. 3:14-19)

We must remember and we must remind those that the Lord places into our lives of the dangers of becoming lukewarm. We can lose our salvation. We must work out that salvation we must encourage “follow up Christianity” in others and in our daily lives. Having the Holy Spirit lead someone who is temporarily under our charge towards Christ is just the first step. We must follow up and be followed up on so that souls, especially ours, do not become lukewarm. It is essential that the soul understand the dangers of lukewarmness. It is important that the soul knows that he must strive daily to live the virtues even more boldly in daily life. We should be encouraging people to frequently rend their hearts before the Lord (Mt. 9:2-8; Jn. 20:22-23; Acts 19:18) and not just sugar coat Christian living into what has Jesus done for me today. We should individually ask ourselves and in the “follow up” what are we doing to show God love this day. How are we living more boldly as light and salt in the world as we follow Jesus Christ?
St. Leo the Great writes:

“Christian, recognize your dignity and, now that you share in God’s own nature, do not return to your former base condition by sinning. Remember who is your head and of whose body you are a member. Never forget that you have been rescued from the power of darkness and brought into the light of the Kingdom of God.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1691)

“Follow up”, then, takes place with the soul being encouraged to join a local church community, a parish, in a deeper way but more importantly, to go deeper into the faith. Effective catechesis of the neophyte is essential as he strives to move beyond personal interpretation of Scripture or ‘feelings’ in prayer towards solid doctrine built upon Scripture and Tradition (1. Cor. 11:2; 2 Thess. 2:15; 1 Tim. 3:15; 2 Tim. 2:2)

Baptism should not be part of “follow up” but part of the entrance into the life of Christ as a Christian. First comes the decision to follow Jesus Christ, that is true, however, and then we must be baptized. Christian baptism is essential for entrance into heaven. (Mk. 16:16; Acts 2:37-39; Acts 8:12-13; Titus 3:5; 1 Pet. 3:20-21; Acts 22:16; Jn 3:5, 22,26; Acts 16:15, 33) Still, for the purpose of this assignment baptism is one of the key components which must be emphasized by the Christian to the neophyte believer.

While it is good for Christians to look at the “good things that God will do” in this temporal life such as the miraculous; it is vital that, the greatest thing that we can do, which surpasses the work of Christ, will be when we through Him help others find Him. (Jn. 14:12) Jesus Christ is God and He was rejected can we do expect any different as we try to help others find Jesus Christ and through Him gain the Beatific Vision. (Jn. 15: 18-25) The greater miracle is the soul through God’s grace and his cooperation gaining heaven. The greater work then as His little ones is as we are filled with flaws and sinners ourselves to somehow encourage a soul towards heaven. The best thing then that God can do for us comes through Divine Mercy. To remember then, our need for mercy creates the situation where the soul strives towards heaven daily. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can receive as Christians, after salvation itself, is the intimate knowledge of the love of Christ.

Pope John Paul II speaks of the concept which I have outlined in his 1980 encyclical “Dives in Misericordia” which the words:

Authentic knowledge of the God of mercy, the God of tender love, is a constant and inexhaustible source of conversion, not only as a momentary interior act but also as a permanent attitude, as a state of mind. Those who come to know God in this way, who "see" Him in this way, can live only in a state of being continually converted to Him. They live, therefore, in statu conversionis; and it is this state of conversion which marks out the most profound element of the pilgrimage of every man and woman on earth in statu viatoris. (John Paul II, 1980, Dives in Misericordia, 13)

What an amazing gift to proclaim to the new Christian to remind them of their need for continual conversion through the proclamation of Divine Mercy. The Christian goes forth in life less and less motivated by created things but by the love of and for the Creator. The love of Christ Jesus our God and Sovereign Lord compels the soul to strive to be light and salt in a world of darkness. The love of Christ compels the Christian to forgive for he knows the forgiveness in his life. It is the love of Christ which compels the soul even in the temptations of life to trust in Him and not on their own actions or merits. The love of Christ compels the soul even amidst desolation and suffering to strive towards heaven. The love of Christ compels us to reach out to our brothers and sisters who are hurting and show them the same compassion and mercy which has been shown to us. It was God’s love—the love of Jesus Christ who suffered on the Cross for us which compelled the martyrs of the Church forward into the coliseums. This is the gift of follow up to point souls towards the vast and inexhaustible source of mercy and love in Jesus Christ. We do this encouraging others to learn about the faith. We do so by praying for others and especially the new Christian. We do so by encouraging others to be faithful. We do so by encouraging the Christian to grow in life in fellowship with other faithful Christians. We do so through the example we give in also following Christ all the way up the mountain of God. God will help us as we strive to help others during a life of follow up if we but ask….for it is written…

“I raise my eyes toward the mountains. From where will my help come? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. God will not allow your foot to slip; your guardian does not sleep. Truly, the guardian of Israel never slumbers nor sleeps.” (Ps. 121: 1-4)

Snow globes in the night....

2009-11-24T01:06:00.006-06:00

11/24/09
00:06

I can not sleep. I am thinking about too many things. So, I find myself writing late at night- it helps to get thoughts out and on paper so that then I can not feel like I have to process them or remember them later. I think I do that with thoughts trying to hold on to them and process them on my own rather than just writing them and seeing where God takes it and getting some sleep or what ever. Maybe it is a form of detachment that I need to better strive for…thought detachment…interesting notion.

I have for my noviciate class been studying "Way of Perfection" by St Teresa of Avila. We focused on detachment in the last class. I have been also reading the diary of St Faustina “Divine Mercy in my Soul” and some other books. It helps me to mix up my reading from secular to spiritual especially during the time I am in school or I become kind of hyper-focused on things and start to sink a bit. It is kind of like times in the past when I would discuss a painful moment if I dwell there too long then I begin to sink. I feel like I am back in therapy again and my tendency is to want to avoid that time. When I get into that trap of going back then life becomes so painful. Easy solutions become impossible and I gaze into the future and forget about all the blessings and gifts His Majesty is and has given me.

A priest who was my regular confessor and pastor told me one time to avoid those times in the darkness because his experience was that it is so easy to fall in and not find your way out without help. For me, going over past pain does that quickly for me. A little bit is ok but too much and I find myself sinking fast. It affects my emotional health and even my physical and spiritual health. I become hyper-focused on the problem. I begin to doubt and those things that are very clear and good blessings in my life – those places I have seen a consistent pattern of God’s Hand at work suddenly don’t look so good. I doubt God and I doubt myself and worse of all I struggle even more in prayer.

Back to the basics with what I know works. I also have to detach. In those times I gaze into the future and start to lose hope rapidly. Then to add the voices of dissent which rise up in our lives and hope dwindles. Where I was seeing amazing wonderful things before I suddenly do not see that as much and so I have to detach and gain balance again.

I am thinking about how I can best describe detachment in my life. For me, I got the idea from reading St. Faustina and Thomas Merton. It comes down to trust in Christ while walking in a snow globe. Someone I knew spoke of snow globes. She would refer to times when things in people’s lives were floating around like those flakes in the globe. I have thought a lot about that and I got the image of me walking forward on a path—a path of life. In this image the flakes of the snow globe are flying all around me and I am trying desperately to grab a hold of them. Yet, to no avail. The thing is each of these flakes form the path before me—the problem is they are flying around my head. As I wave my arms in the air in frustration the flakes fly around faster and faster. I want to cry out in desperation. To add to this I look behind me and rather than see the pattern of the path of life behind me I only see flying flakes occasionally peering through the dark fog. I begin to panic and loose hope.

Then I stop. Then I stop and look at Jesus Christ in prayer in the Holy Eucharist. Then I surrender to my Beloved Jesus. Then I pray my Rosary more and slowly I begin to find that calmness again. I have to let go and detach- I have to trust in Jesus and not in my ability to do anything to stop the "storm". I stand up on my feet not knowing the path before me--- in reality none of us really do, we only think we do—I take a deep breath and say a Hail Mary. I say the Holy Name of Jesus and I gaze at the Divine Mercy Image on my living room wall. Jesus I Trust in YOU!! Not in me… not in the things flying around my head or even in the good intentioned advise of others at the moment in the storm. NO! Jesus I trust in You. Lead me through the fog. Lead me down the path with you. I trust in You to navigate through my issues just like you have done before. I trust in You to continue the good work You have begun in me. I trust in You to never leave me abandoned. I trust in You to be who you are… God. I trust in You that if You can create planets and stars and blue whales and human life that you can handle anything in my life and help me get to heaven so I can be a saint. I trust in You. And I hear the words ...."who ever looses his life for my sake will find it." Detachment through trust in God's love and mercy.

As I make those repeated acts of trust and surrender again and again I find something out. The problem that I thought was so bad drifts away in my mind and slowly those flakes now slow down. One by one they fall before me….forming the path that Christ has given me. I move forward on this pathway not looking in the past or figuring out the future. I move forward in trust. He gives me faith as His gift to me and in exchange my gift back to God is my trust. Baby steps and little by little trusting with my hand holding the Pierced Hand of Jesus. The flakes in the snow globe at night... and in day.. fall down forming the path. Jesus I Trust in YOU! The flakes fall.....

I have to go to bed now. I have processed enough. Jesus I trust in YOU! Lead me on....

The Enemy among us.....

2009-11-21T16:41:00.008-06:00

“Who is our enemy? How can remembering who our enemy is help us in evangelism?”
Response:

St. Paul reminds us that our enemy is not of flesh and blood —people (Eph. 6:12) but rather Lucifer and the rebellious angels, the demons, who come to steal, kill and destroy. (Jn 10:9-12) I was just speaking with someone today about the vote due tonight on the health care package by congress and the devastation and destruction that will be caused as countless more human lives could be lost if abortion coverage is mandated. One of the people I spoke with spoke of the President and the evils which he is freely choosing to bring about in his tenure in office. What evils the congress are freely choosing to vote for and ultimately what evils the American people have freely chosen to bring upon the heads of future generations. The person spoke of Obama’s record or brings about pro-death legislation and supporting freely abortion and other means of death and evil. It was brought up about how the destruction to human life and the evils which are present today that the United States is choosing is greater than that of Nazi Germany. YET, we must remember, that our battle as people of life—as Christian men and women is not against Barrack Obama or the U.S. Congress or the pro death camps of Planned Parenthood or Hollywood or radical factions present even in some churches today. Those people in those organizations and Mr. Obama himself are children of God, yes they have made choices which affiliate them with Satan and evil. However, we do too every time we fall into sin and defacto affiliate ourselves with the Prince of this World. We must remember to pray for those who have made those choices for death that they may be converted and saved through the Precious Blood of Jesus Christ and through the Power of His Cross and Resurrection.

We must choose life by praying for those who freely choose death covering it up under the blanket of false compassion or selfishness veiled as choice. We must pray for them and for their souls and plead Divine Mercy for them—and for us; lest we forget the times we choose death through our own individual sins. We must choose life and remember that Obama or Hitler in the past are NOT the enemy but they are victims and prisoners of war who are being controlled by the Father of Lies, Lucifer- the Devil Himself. He, Satan and all the demons, are the enemy and we must remember that IF we ever truly plan to go into the world and bring hearts to Jesus Christ Our Lord and Saving God.

Evangelism begins with our prayerful attitude of love for neighbor and for their soul. Evangelism begins with realizing our own constant need for Divine Mercy and thus we see the needs of others for that same mercy. Evangelism begins with prayer for others then to allow the Holy Spirit to bring hearts back from the slavery of death and evil. Our war is not with flesh and blood or those who have been taken hostage by the Enemy but with the demonic forces and that war we must remember has already been won upon Calvary by the King of the Universe, Jesus Christ our Love. For the sake of His Sorrowful Passion and Resurrection, Father, have mercy upon us and on the whole world.

Changing seasons.

2009-10-26T02:14:00.003-06:00

"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." He also said to the crowds, "When you see (a) cloud rising in the west you say immediately that it is going to rain--and so it does; and when you notice that the wind is blowing from the south you say that it is going to be hot--and so it is. You hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky; why do you not know how to interpret the present time? "

St. Luke 12:51-56

Light shines on San Diego

2009-10-18T12:32:00.000-06:00

**Day 7**
Sunday 10/18/09

I skipped a few days in writing this journal as I have been busy. Sometimes I am not sure what to write—here or elsewhere. I only know that it helps to get thoughts down as I process them. I have to work on that some more.

I accidentally went over in my light treatment today by several minutes. I really have to be careful with that as it can cause problems that I do not need. I was praying today and kind of got lost in prayer. I am starting to notice some more positive effects in that some difficult times and low points in the day are becoming easier to manage. I am finding peace in those times along with understanding. Faith proceeds understanding as the Saints will tell us so maybe I am getting a little bit of faith also. Peace in heart and mind first from God answering prayers and peace also from a few chemical changes in my mind. The thing that helps me in those times is surrender to Divine Providence. Complete and total surrender to Christ Jesus with the knowledge that His Love endures forever and that He, not me, not the world and not the Enemy of souls is in charge. I told a friend yesterday at lunch that I used to think I needed some kind of long range vision and game plan. While yes, I do have some goals—pretty big ones—my vision into the future really only peers a step and maybe two ahead of me. I gaze through the fog of unknowing and remember a past which had many changes and course corrections along the way showed a consistent pattern of God doing wonderful things In my life according to His plan—not mine. I have to remember that pattern. I have to remember the Hand of Providence and realize that even those sins and mistakes through confession, penance and God’s grace and mercy have been wiped away. Being only able to peer a step or two ahead and only with the memory of God’s Hand working in my life I can only remain in His Love and in His Light today. Today I can strive to seek His Face. Today I can strive to love family and friends better and live out my life in virtue. Today I can choose life, love and walk through the fog and smoke into the Light holding the Pierced Hand of Christ. I have to be more careful about the amount of time with the light treatment. I have to pray that today I can somehow give God glory and honor in my worship and prayers along with doing my daily duty.

I commented to a friend a year ago or so and to a few others more recently that in my spiritual life I sometimes feel as if God is in San Diego and I am trudging my way through New Jersey still. His Majesty seems so far away at times and my ascent feels long as the path winds up the mountain. I was starting to feel a bit sorry for myself this morning just for a bit as my heart longs for God and I struggle in prayer through memories and echoes of the past that need healing. I walked past a mirror in my living room and looked at myself. I had put on a sweatshirt this morning as it was chilly on the porch while I prayed. I looked at the words on the sweatshirt that I picked up on vacation a few years ago. My blue sweat shirt reads in bold block white letters “SAN DIEGO”. I laughed and then I dropped to my knees with tears streaming down and praised and thanked the God Who Dwells within. As it is written, “Greater is He who is in me than He who is in the world.” God within and especially in the Eucharist holds me by the hand and guides me step by step on this path through the prayers of family and friends and especially the Blessed Virgin Mary. I have only to surrender to Him and allow Him to guide me on this pathway of life. I remember some quotes of Bl. Elizabeth of the Trinity from something I am reading about her which came to mind.

“Like me, you have to build yourself a little cell in your soul; you must think that the good God is there, and you must enter there from time to time. Ah, if you only knew it a little, prayer would not be tedious for you; it seems a rest and a relaxation to me; you simply come to the One you love, stay close to Him like little child in its mother’s arms, and you let your heart go. You used to like so much to sit very close to me and give me your confidences, and that is how we must go to Him. If you only knew how well He understands…..”
“I heaven, I believe, my mission will be that of drawing souls into interior recollection, helping them to go out of themselves, to cling to God through a movement that is wholly simple and wholly loving, and to preserve them in that great silence of the ‘within’, which allows God to imprint Himself on them and transform them into Himself”. Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity, OCD

Today for me God dwelled in San Diego and He walked with me step by step holding my hand on this path through the fog and smoke into the Light. Praised be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!!

Traveling in the Light....

2009-10-14T22:09:00.001-06:00

**Day 3**
10/14/2009 05:52/ 23:17

I find myself actually writing this entry at the end of the day rather than at the beginning. I was busy this morning. I woke up this morning around 3am – I doubt that it had anything to do with the light treatments. I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I ended up getting dressed and drove to my parish and spent time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament in Adoration. I prayed Morning Prayer this morning before The Light of the World rather than a light coming out of a box.

I look back on the past and that time when my health was at its worst. There were emotional issues but there were also physical issues which were equally or in some cases much worse. I think actually I may not and some others may not realize how bad things were. At some point I know I decided to cry out to God. At some point I reached for the Light of Christ. My healing did not really come with the 20 plus pills a day for years. My healing did not as much come through repeated surgeries. My healing did not as much come through therapists. My healing did not even as much come through family and friends who love me. Those were wonderful instruments of healing. My healing—the miracles—took place and continue to take place before Jesus Christ and in prayer to Him at home and other places. My healing came not of my own effort but through the free gift of Christ. My healing came through confession and absolution in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. My healing came in the numerous anointing that I received in the Sacrament of the Sick. My healing came through Him, with Him and in Him in the Eucharist that I received which united me to the Creator of the World. It was very bad back then. Every now and then memories of those days will come back.

I fought back then. I fought back the only way I could and that was to surrender to God. To ask God for help, trust in Him and surrender. In that surrender Christ heals. He healed through family, friends, doctors, nurses and therapists. He healed through pills and surgeries and machines to help me breath. He healed through injections and He healed through times outdoors and exercises as I became better. He, my amazing God, healed through times when I had to learn and relearn skills. He healed through getting me back in school. He healed through even allowing me to pursue a vocation that was not mine in order to bring about blessing for me and I hope for others. He healed through encounters with truly great people that He placed and continues to place in my path. He healed through love. He healed through allowing me to strive to get better so that I could be closer to my daughter. I had to meet certain internal goals in order to proceed further which after time allowed me to move across states. He continues to heal today. It is not over. It is not over for any of us.

I have not noticed much difference in my mood just yet. In the changing of brain chemicals I do find that some of those painful memories or even painful wounds that occur become somehow a bit easier to handle and less painful as treatments continue and as I spend time in prayer. I think it is much too early to really notice any difference as only three days have passed by. It takes time for this to work.

I know that I have to strive to get sleep and that means establishing a good routine in the pm and in the am. I have been remise about getting to the gym lately and I know that will help also. I also know that that time with friends helps along with times when I can give of myself in volunteering. I could go on and on. I do know that just as the light is part of the changes to help create a hedge of protection from depression there is not enough said about just getting a good night sleep.

Today I began the day adoring the Holy Face of the Light of the Universe—Jesus Christ and moved to a great invention of a special light which shines in my eyes. It is the former not the later today I am so grateful for this day. Lord may the Light of Your Face shine upon us and may we this and each rest in peace and rise with joy to praise You another day. It is He who not only heals but helps me to let go of the memories and even the unhealthy strings which tied me down like Gulliver. With each prayer- each Hail Mary- the strings and ropes are severed and Christ delivers me from that bondage.
Thank you Lord for this gift of this day!

The light of a new day...... walking into the light (continued)

2009-10-13T07:00:00.000-06:00

**Day 2**

10/13/2009 05:40

Work day so time before the light is earlier than yesterday. I forgot that my watch has a stop timer on it which I will now use to better time my dosage.

I was up much too late last night- towards 1am for a variety of reasons. What helped me to fall asleep was time praying my Office and a cup of Sleepytime tea sitting out on my porch. To meditate on God’s Word and allow Him to minister to my soul so that I can rest is how I can reorientate myself when the blanket of the cares of the world descends down upon me. The Lord is my strength and my song… He is my Light and my salvation… therefore my soul remains in peace and I am confidante and unafraid….I shall not fear the terror of the night nor the plague that lays waste at noon a thousand may fall at my right and ten thousand at my left yet You O Lord my God are my strength, my peace, my Beloved God. It is times like last night or in the course of the days when the temptations and fears of the world descend down upon me like a ton of bricks that I have to turn and place my trust in Him to be my shield. I think one of the things with the tendency towards depression that I have to fight more than anything is when those temptations and fears—that we all have—assail and attack that at that moment I have to look up towards the mountains, as the Psalmist reminds us, where the Light of Christ shines forth over the peaks and trust in His Love for me. Yet, it is difficult and I am stubborn and want to resist—I want to look down or around at the little and big monsters that gather around me and be afraid and anxious. I had a friend once tell me that when we peer into the darkness we can easily fall in and get lost.

We have to look into the Light kind of like I had to sit before this little light of mine and let it shine to help change some chemicals in my brain so that my "monsters" are better manageable. This light helps to an extent—the real help comes when those times of anxiety and worry come down upon me and at that moment I say NO… and I rather than submit to the enemy I trust in Jesus Christ my Hope. I begin this day now having prayed my Office and with some coffee, juice and organic flax waffles (with peanut butter…umm!) and the knowledge that God indeed is my Savior and will go before me and with me this day. Praised be Jesus Christ! Praised be the Eternal One! Praised be the King of Glory and Light of the World! Now and Forever! Amen! Have a good day.

Walking into the Light ....

2009-10-12T08:00:00.000-06:00

**DAY 1**

10/13/2009 07:10

Sitting out on my porch and watching it snow outside. I need to start wearing some wool socks when I sit out here in when it is cold outside. My toes get cold! It is awesome to see this snow outside. Summer went by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday when I grabbed my fishing pole and walked down to the Mississippi to fish and ended up a bit sunburn. Kind of a different light than the one that is before me this am. I have to start out slowly with this light. If the dosage is too much-- too much time- there can be problems. Slow and gradual is what I have learned works best for me. I learned before when I use this thing to place the light on my lap and then I can hold my Divine Office extended beyond it so I can pray Morning Prayer. What I have had to learn though is to at some point turn off the light as Lauds tends to last longer than the dosage I need.

I am starting to think that my flu bug last week was a gift in disguise. I realized in the midst of the flu that my mood was going south a bit-- maybe we all do that when sick. I don't like it though and have to fight that. It is kind of a "poor me" attitude which I do not like at all. Big deal, skippy, you have the bug so does a ton of people out there. Enjoy the time off, rest and eat well. What helps me is to watch some cartoons or a funny show. There is so much serious stuff in life out there and it pulls people down-- it pulls me down fast. When I am hurting or sick that is the time I need to laugh even more and try to make others laugh- and to be present for them and help them. Suddenly in the light of day the "poor me" attitude fades away. Suddenly sitting in the light I am less concerned about the end of the world-- personally or on a global scale and thinking more about what I can do to try to create holiness in the present moment where God dwells. This flu I had was a gift because it slowed me down to regroup and recognize problem areas in my life and that of others and offer those to Jesus Christ -Who is the Center and Creator of the universe.

This light helps. What really helps is what I do while sitting here. It is this time that I slow down and praise and thank God. It is when I realize that all my "problems" really are not that bad and that even those ones that others or the world have that are huge -- that still my God is bigger than all of them. I think the devil wants us to focus on the darkness and turn inside away from friends and family. I think he wants us to feel sick constantly so we do not reach out to others and get out where we can help to transform the world for Jesus Christ. For me, I can not do anything about the scourge of abortion or the war or helping friends and family that are hurting unless I first focus on Jesus Christ-- the Light of the World.

I think some of the under current beneath this culture of death is a "poor me" attitude which we all must fight. As I sit here and reflect about the light on my lap I think about what I can do to be a better light to others-- to be of service to others and break out of that attitude. I think that change begins here-- then I can volunteer more or make big alterations in my life to be a better witness. If I want to make a difference in the culture of death-- and I do so much-- then it begins with my attitude and that changes here praising and thanking God in the light. We can choose to fight back against depression or darkness or sin. I choose to fight. I choose life today.

What a gift it is to be alive. What a gift it is to have a chance today to be a light and a witness to others. I made mistakes yesterday and in the past and God forgives. Today--- this day, sitting her with cold toes and a bright light shinning in my face while I chant and sing the Psalms I choose life-- for this day is a gift-- the Day the Lord made.

Thank you Lord for this day!

The opportunity to grow!

2009-10-08T20:33:00.002-06:00

"Children, and those who are dependent on us due to disability or age, offer us the opportunity to grow in patience, kindness, and love. They teach us that life is a shared gift, not an encumbrance. At the end of life, we will be judged on love alone. Meanwhile, in the midst of so many challenges to life, we look to "Christ Jesus our hope" (1 Timothy 1:1), who offers to all the world a share in his victory over death." + Justin Cardinal Rigali- Oct 6th, 2009 -- speaking on Respect Life Sunday.

Towards tommorrow .....back on today.

2009-10-04T00:36:00.002-06:00

Lightly Pondering Stepping Turning,
Dancing moving jumping--
To and fro-- across stages,
More in haste-- in waste,
Excessively.

Letting go---
Again goodbye - to say hello,
Lightly Pondering Stepping out,
Towards day through passages unity,
Again toward passage-
In Light,
Toward sunrise----
Orange red hue.
Again and again,
With purposeful steps made this day-
With purposeful steps made.

Journaling on London

2009-09-29T19:46:00.005-06:00

“Never travel alone” is a lesson that we all learn through the course of life. Rare is the man who can travel alone. God does not call many to the vocation of the hermit. Man encounters himself, the Devil and God in the wilderness and for brief moments he must beat hands against trees and pick up fire alone. Yet quickly as Jack London’s character realizes his ability to overcome all odds he also realizes he absolute poverty and need for companionship and a helper. It is written in Genesis: “it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper for him.” London writes that the character realizes that “a man should travel with a partner”. So, to London’s tale shines a light on the need for personal relationships in the life of the human person. Subienkow discovers himself in the wilderness and conquers fears and self imposed obstacles yet he also discovers that this same drive manifested itself in pride which almost cost him his life by separating himself from relationships he needed.

The story moves to describe the times in the wilderness and how Subienkow finds God and he also faces the question posed by God to each soul as to whether the soul chooses life or death. London’s character while realizing his need for the other faces this choice alone—he chooses life by refusing to give up---he perseveres. The choice for life happens not in the fire or in the falls of life but in the determination to stand again and not give up. To quit is to choose death. The act of building a fire becomes the central and over powering mission in the life of the character. Nothing, even personal pain, can or will stand in the way of Subienkow’s fire. It is this drive that helps him to stay alive so that he again can ponder and appreciate the need for others to travel with.

London teaches the reader another valuable lesson in that of respecting nature and the God Who created it. London’s examination of the winter wilderness paints a picture of a brutal harshness which in many ways escaped some of the writings of Dickenson and others. While she writes of the harshness of the human heart and soul –he (London) writes years later of the harshness of the natural world. London paints a picture of a world where nature reigns supreme and man is subject to it. Man loses control and assimilates into nature and it back into him. There the philosophical aspect of naturalism more takes hold where creation can dangerously come close to becoming like unto God.

London’s character loses his life while in the winter wilderness and through that process he gains his life again in the lessons learned about relationships and about perseverance. London’s character also finds himself with a new appreciation for his abilities and for his limits. Wisdom is gained through the cold and chill of that winter of desolations- wisdom which echoes in his heart and soul---“Never travel alone.”

Journaling on "Walden"

2009-09-29T19:37:00.005-06:00

Thoreau writes in “Walden” that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation” to this note he touches on the gift and the curse of time. Lives spent in waiting and lives spent seeking more than missed opportunities. It is a theme that Jesus Christ focuses our attention on that we should seek the Kingdom of Heaven first ……that our hope may be complete. Yet so many as Thoreau reminds us run about chasing dreams which were never meant to go from dream to reality while the entire time rejecting the gift of the present moment where God dwells. Always seeking and never quite achieving hope based on earthly title or wealth or approval fades quickly into hopelessness and despair. I struggle within my own self as my soul sometimes feels suspended between heaven and earth – striving towards the mark set in heaven with the love for God in my heart and at the same time within my mind I worry about opinions and things of this world and there the feelings of quiet desperation set in.

Thoreau goes on to write in Walden:
Most men, even in this comparatively free country, through mere ignorance and mistake, are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them. Their fingers, from excessive toil, are too clumsy and tremble too much for that.

Wrapped up tightly with the superfluous cares of the world along with the burden of opinion weighing heavily upon their backs ‘most men’ (and women), including myself many times, fall into the drudgery of the mediocrity of day. Tomorrow, yesterday and burdens of opinion never offer fruits which satisfy and fill the taste buds of the soul with ecstasy. Hope then rests at those moments in possessions and opinions of man rather than upon the love of God in Christ Jesus and seeking His Will and Kingdom first above all. When that next temporal gift comes the soul finds itself hungry for more and more rather than rejoicing in life and the gift of the present moment. Satisfaction feels a million miles away and so the soul seeks to deaden the pain of desperation through the litany of other things, some good- yet not truly great and some very bad and evil. Little idols are erected within hearts- idols of possession and idols of opinion. Idols which create narrow minds and embitter hearts to truth. Such idols can be erected within all of our hearts and we must pray that they are removed daily that our hearts and minds are filled with God’s truth. The truth that they are loved by God and called to heaven and out of the pit of hopelessness. It is this that Thoreau writes about in Walden where he looses himself only to find himself anew. Thoreau reaches out of the hustle in the search for courser fruits and finds the finer fruit near a pond and in daily life. The past being left to Divine Mercy and the future, along with the drudgery of cares, is entrusted to Providence the soul finds itself better able to seek what is above and create holiness in the present moment. Thus the finer fruits are savored in sweetness with the bitter taste of idols washed away from the pallet and the missed opportunities are rediscovered in the hope that only comes from Jesus Christ. Possibly this is what Thoreau eludes to in Walden – truth which St. Augustine wrote about saying “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee”. Quiet desperation is what the world offers--- Christ offers waters which quench the thirst of the soul all in the gift of the present moment found within His Heart.

St John Bosco and Walt Whitman's ship.....

2009-09-19T19:23:00.003-06:00

"O Captain! My Captain!"
by Walt Whitman

"O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
The arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead."

Whitman's captain steers his ship with honor, duty and courage and meets with a fateful death having steered his ship into safe harbor. The ship and her cargo are safe yet the captain who the writer looks to as the rock and leader of the ship at the end lies dead. Fallen possibly from battle wounds sustained while steering the ship into safe harbor disregarding his own life for the sake of the ship and her passengers.

We come before Christ having people and events which God has arranged to get us there—to the point of safe harbor. People in our lives who we admired and events, both good and bad, which looking back effected a course change upon our lives and rerouted us toward heaven when if we had remained on course we would have ended up dashed upon the rocky shoals of life. Safe harbor only coming as we eventually touch the flesh of our captains and realize that our flesh too is becoming “pale and still” just as Whiteman’s captain’s did. Those people and things die within us and we discover that we must now trust only in Christ Jesus Who walks across the waves as “bells ring and people exult”. We are given anchors and pillars of faith which keep our ship safe and good captains who guide us however ultimately the choice rests with us. Do we trust in Jesus Christ- do we remain in the boat or do we bail and attempt to swim weighted down by our sins and go it alone? Do we follow the crowd in masses over the edge sinking fast as Jesus holds out his hand upon the waters calling us to get up and back into His boat where we will make it home—or do we sink. Whitman’s captain lay dead yet his ship was safe as was the precious cargo of souls because Christ guided the captain and upon his death guided the ship. Yet if passengers had bailed out and gone alone they would have sunk and perished. The words of God Almighty ring out across the waves reminding all of the dangers outside the boat….“I place before you this day a blessing and a curse, life and death, CHOOSE LIFE!!” ( Dt 30:19)

I am further reminded of the dream of St John Bosco of the ship being tossed about and under attack by smaller ships aimed at sinking the large ship. The battle becomes intense as the ship is steered by the Pope between two pillars in the water. The ship is tied to both pillars. One pillar has the Blessed Virgin Mary on top of it and the other pillar has on the top the Holy Eucharist. At some point the Pope falls and is killed and a new Pope emerges to finally safely secure the ship between the pillars which Almighty God has placed there so that the ship will endure and remain safe. “The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won,” Whitman writes.

Battles rage around us and souls are lost as are the bodies. God does not wish us to go it alone or to even try to figure it out along the way but gives us those captains and the pillars of faith which assist us to make it home. As Catholic Christians found it sad upon the death of Pope John Paul II our faith was not shaken for our faith rested upon Christ Who walks upon the waters next to the ship and even gives us signs for the world to see which will resist the storms of time in the pillars which St. John Bosco saw in his dream. Our Captain died as Whitman’s did and another one took his place just as in St. John’s dream and souls who placed their trust in Christ and remained in the boat remain safe on the journey toward heaven. Yet hope is not just for Catholic Christians but for all who boldly profess the name Christian and follow Jesus Christ faithfully in this age of unreason. Hope rests secure as Christ walks upon the water and it is ultimately He Who captains the vessel of souls toward the place He prepares for us. Our hope is in Jesus Christ and it is He Who guides the ship out of pure love for us all- selects the captains and even reaches down to yank our sinking souls back and place us back on the boat. We have no need to fear the evil one and his tactics or the smaller ships—regardless of how terrifying—that assails us daily for our ultimate Beloved Captain has tasted death’s sting and won the victory- if we but remain faithful to Him and remain on the ship which bears the name “TRUST”.

Jesus I trust in You!

(The above was a journal entry in submitted for homework.)

Renewal of Understanding

2009-09-14T23:21:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been thinking.....
Of life,
Of love,
Of learning--
Trying and striving
Beginning nothing from something
New again again again again........

Love lasts longest,
Love grows quickest,
Out of Hands distended -------
Pierced and driven through.

O fateful day,
-of Enemies quickest rest
Born anew.....
Snow flake fallen-
On rocky dry ground.

To a Mother's Heart,
She grows the quickest,
She learns the surest-
She walks the path of angel's delight,
Through Mother's Heart------- ----
She goes
Through Mother's Heart------- she goes.

Sad doomed oracle,
Wilts and fades away-
with Light
And rain falling,
Washing-- washing---washing--
Loot and spoil-
Burned away.

Let go of fright-
This night so faithful,
Create hands made,
Create mind set free,
Create heat shimmering pure,
No fear this night my love,
Only peace created upon ................
Shattered Tree.

Love glistens away.......
Today

Love glistens away.

2009-08-28T19:46:00.003-06:00

"Health reform should not result in an expansion of abortion, and it must maintain conscience protections for health care providers who do not want to participate in abortions or other morally objectionable procedures" Sister Carol Keehan - Catholic Heath Association

Quote of the week.

2009-08-28T19:23:00.004-06:00

"Sometimes, my heart becomes heavy and the task appears insoluble if I measure my own human imperfection and inadequacy against the greatness of the obligation and the weight of the responsibility. If a generation must pay the highest price, death, for its short life, we look for the answer in ourselves in vain. We find it only in Him in whose hand we are safe in life and in death. We never know what problems are waiting to test the power and strength of our souls.... Man's ways lie in obscurity. But even darkness is not without light. Hope and faith, which always hasten ahead of us, already have a presentiment of the breaking of a new dawn. If we know that the best thing in us, the soul, is immortal, then we also know that we shall meet each other again". +Blessed Nikolaus Gross pray for us!!

The Vatican biography prior to his beatification linked here.

I would love to read more on this guy I am going to have to find more. What a life! Praise God!

Credit

Travels Backward. Where Again.

2009-08-26T23:18:00.002-06:00

Set forth my heart against the grains of sand of time.

Falling falling falling...............
..............
Clockwork travels through,
Seas, rivers, oceans, valleys,
Death had no Venom----
Placed so high-----
Splintered pole.
Round and round,
Jagged tree,

Drop falling down,
Falling falling drowning.

O set my heart on fire-
O set my heart on fire-
Pure love burns......
White and red.........
Set my heart on fire----
This day----
As grain falls----
Down.............down...........down
Blood splashes awash!!!!

Jagged Tree---------
Upon IT.......
Set my heart on fire!!!!
Alleluia!!!

Of Quickest Dance.

2009-08-25T21:24:00.004-06:00

Landing -slower- quicker- faster-
Braver?
Over and throughout
--she goes on moving--
Running- turning- jumping--

Away.......away...............away.......
In hiding- always
In hiding.

Piety and Judgement?
Fear and Love?
What the combination--
Running--hiding- never the wiser-
Never the closer,
Saying goodbye faster
Much faster------------than hello.

Round and round she goes....
It will be only God Who will ever know---
As dancers move across stage--
To music beat....................................
Violins rise.. as bassoon sings in triumph......
Kettle bangs------bangs------bangs--------bangs---
As she moves ----fear subsides----
As roses begin to bloom...
Anew
Today.

This Day----
Dancing quickens....
To music glide....
As day fades gloriously....
To Night---under stars-
Spinning and jumping
Landing and prancing
As Daylight settles to Noon.

Jesus I trust in You!

Increasingly Knowingly.

2009-08-23T21:06:00.002-06:00

Painting lines---drawing dots-
Peace ends at noon,
Again and again,
No joy can be found.

Dripping -hunting-falling-
Going from room to room.

Letting go of boxes,
Letting go of bags,
Noonday sunset diminishing so bright.

Again and again,
Peace runs away,
In hearts--on lands in oceans blue,
Swimming to seashore,
Being pulled down--------under,
With weights.

It is not the day nor the hour
For such foolish sayings.
Only love lasts,
Against walls broken ----
Only love-
Penetrates so deep
In Day as in Night,
Light gives way at last--- to Light.

Striving to get home again-
To sleep--to rest-- to be at last-----------------
---At Peace.

Fragment #673

2009-08-22T22:41:00.004-06:00

Milking peace, feeding hope
Time within Daylight----------
On knee- at rest-
Yesterday the same as today,
Tomorrow's forever-
Never and always dwindling away..........
At rest on Crest.

Trying It Out......Again.

2009-08-21T20:22:00.000-06:00

On top of mountain's fastness
Glistening rock and crumbling snow.............
Light comes at once-
Never removed in His eyes.

Strive forth ye' mortal man,
Tread not on angel ground...
'Sept - through babe's eyes------
In heart on fallen fresh white.

LET GO of support and staff,
Which slow the body-
And confuse the mind.

LET GO of ropes and strings---
Assorted contagious things--
Which not give to ascend.

Upon feet shod-
Climb in freedom....
On path gives...
Only one.

Only one.....
Only one- come through
Gate so narrow,
Beauty lies acrest

Fire blazes---- propels forth--

Onward brave soul--

Knowing too well peace
Comes only from Him......

On top He treads,
And it you may climb----------
Ascend today..........

Ascend!

End Upon End And Back Again.

2009-08-18T21:39:00.003-06:00

A candle burns so quickly.....
Set against cloth...
Line upon line,
Crossing in and out,
Box upon box.........
....in patterns.

Thread run course,
Silver and gold,
Weaving never slows,
Read thread cords through...
Weaving never stops,
Jagged shard slices away---
String to cord to thread.

Patterns cut to bone laid bare,
Inside thread melts away,
Circle to box---
Light upon light.

Daylight comes again-
In eyes that gaze at patterns.

Gratitude is never dismayed,
Only increased on spool--------
----in patterns-- in patterns.

Clear and Present Danger.

2009-08-15T03:00:00.003-06:00

Something that I intend to write about more is Obamacare and the real evil that is behind it. The evil is not people and I need to make that clear. We do not have the right to judge souls-- to God alone is that right. We can make a judgement of a policy and the influence of good and evil upon the shaping of that policy. With that said; the focus in the last few days in the media and in conversation has tended to rest upon these 'death panels'. I will have to read up on this more before I form an opinion. My problem rests upon the effect of Obamacare upon the unborn- that is the clear and present danger I see. By all accounts if this policy is passed it could result in the single biggest blow to human life since Roe. The result of Roe being the lost of approximately 50 million human lives. 50 million human beings being larger than the total populations of Los Angeles and New York City and Philadelphia and Minneapolis/ St. Paul combined. That is one massive satanic detonation. 50 human beings-- 50 million souls gone. Choices made. We as a people of conscience must focus in the coming weeks and months upon the truth of each of those lives lost and the truth of what will happen with mandated abortion coverage.

What will happen with physicians who elect to use their conscience and intelligence to save lives rather than aid in destruction--- what are the ramifications in patient care and physician integrity in the future. You doctor, must preform this abortion even though every fiber of your being rebels at the thought of the death of the innocent. You doctor, must either perform this abortion or refer your patient where the murder will take place else where. The innocent child being your responsibility before Almighty God just as much as the life of the woman under your charge. Or will physician be forced to follow Hollywood and comedians and politicians who are more interested in financial concerns and popularity than truth and REAL health care? Is the womb just a part of the women or is that a precious organ that God created to carry a child in safety? Isn't the child the womb a citizen also - even though they can not vote or purchase Oprah's latest book of the month? Is human life of merit only when we make six or ten figures or do people who are out of work have just as much value?

We lost the populations of NYC, LA and MSP and other cities, basically, to Roe. Now we face the reality of loosing the eastern seaboard or the west coast in comparable populations through mandated abortion coverage and other policies of death in Obamacare. There is cause for alarm. There is cause for sounding alarms and warnings across the land and in heaven. A clear and present danger to millions of souls is looming on the horizon. Let us not ignore this warning or allow our brothers and sisters to ignore this warning either. This IS the time of mercy- a time to turn away from death under the guise of health care benefits and to choose life for America, for the world and for ourselves. May we make the best use of our time and choose life today and contact our elected officials and hold them accountable. Let us use this time also to pray and beg God for help and mercy-- to save us all and future generations from ourselves.

Here are links I ask you to visit and pass on. The first is to the website Priest's for Life which gives the truth on abortion and all issues which effect human life. The second is the website to Stop the Abortion Mandate. The third website is to Rachel's Vineyard which provides healing for women and men affected by abortion. The final suggestion is for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops website on health care reform.

Trust in My Love.

2009-08-08T19:32:00.005-06:00

I am returning home tonight from a Lord's Day dinner and meeting ---it was a good evening. I started thinking that I look forward into the fall and look forward to football games and maybe collecting a few souls to gather for a game day occasionally with food and drink. There seem to be more people in this next of the woods that have parties for the professional teams on Sunday, however, I think a Saturday afternoon for college football would be great. I would love it if I could pick up OU football up here but that does not tend to happen that much. It would be fun to plan something for the Army/ Navy game. I would love to have a OU / Texas day here in MN however I may have to settle for Gophers / Badgers. College football where I grew up and especially in my family was a wonderful thing to observe. It mattered who played-- yes-- it also did not matter as it was a occasion for family, men and women, to gather together with food and laughter etc. even if we cheered for different teams at the same time.

I love the fall. It reminds me of so many good things. Getting together and raking leaves on a crisp fall day. Football games on Friday night or Saturday am. Catching the last of the baseball season as the series gets close. I think about taking my daughter to school when she stayed with me early in the am. I think about crisp apples and the fun of going to the orchard. Hayrides getting to see the colors come out. I love fall colors. I remember when I was a kid and having braces (these were on my teeth not the earlier ones on my legs) and riding with my Papa (my Grandfather) and Ma (Grandmother) to the orthodontist about 40 miles away. I remember seeing the leaves and all the colors as I rode in the back of the car. I remember being happy to see those colors and filled with peace and being happy to be with my Papa. I miss them both at times so much.

By the time my daughter met him he was in the nursing home having had a series of massive strokes. Yet, here was my little one-- touching her "Great Papa's" face and hands and seeing him recognize his great granddaughter to some degree. Family and friends are wonderful amazing gifts that God grants each of us. I remember all the people that came to see Papa in the nursing home those who's lives were effected in wonderful ways by him through the years. I think about friends of mine and my parents and other family who came in to see him. I think about friends who through the years were more like family who came and visited.

I remember how much it hurt to find him when I got home from school that day. Years later as I was reading and praying through Salvifici Doloris I started to understand somethings about suffering. I remember having the thought of how people united in love around him and healing took place in the hearts and minds of many people who came to see him. Great bonding took place around that bed and great healings that in many ways are still being carried out. I think besides the suffering soul offering up his suffering the person acts as an instrument of grace to create unity with God and with others. That they all may be one. And yet Terri Shavio was murdered as are so many 'mercy deaths'. My grandfather was a humble yet strong and proud man of God and when he was on his hospital bed in his own unique way he shined with a dignity that is undeniable. He showed to me and so many people was fortitude and perseverance was and ultimately who his trust was in. His trust in the end was not in anyone else but in his Jesus. The Savior who walked with him through the valley of death to the other side where he was greeted by the saints in light.

Life is in God's hands. The beginning when He knit us together in our mother's womb all the way the natural death. We are not Almighty God --- that was something the Nazi's and others through the centuries have tried to be. I could have chose to death and almost did over a decade ago. I am grateful God did not let me have that particular choice that day. I could have ended my own life. Thanks be to God that I did not. Thanks be to God Almighty!! Alleluia!

Fall is coming up. Friends and family and changing colors. Football, hayrides and apple pie will fill the minds of so many. Great football games and lots of conversations about if this next winter will have that big blizzard or not. Kids going to school and even choirs practicing for Christmas concerts and even a occasional parade with bands and floats. Maybe even a corn maze and haunted house or two. Such a wonderful life that I am so grateful for-- we should all be. Such an amazing God we have to give us great seasons and lots of fun wholesome things to fill our lives with joy. Stories told over a hospital bed to someone we love as they prepare to meet Love Incarnate with joy. Thank You Lord for this day, for this season and the coming ones and yes thank you for football games and other things with your children. Thank you God for the gift of life!!!! Jesus I trust in YOU!

Past is enough.

2009-08-07T19:46:00.004-06:00

Of breaking glass....
Of hearts.....
Of lives....
Shattered dreams...
In times once glad...
Separate....
Loosen...
Drive apart.

Of hope once had...
Of joy once contained...
No peace restored...
Until He sang.

Never again....
Only once...
Repeated along eon's thread...
Time turned back again.

Chorus breaks,
Choices renew...
Mend and mend again......
Of love- of joy - of peace----
Shall it come back again---
On spot-
On bended knee-
Blood shed ended--- a billion to One.

And today--
On spot,
Time marches forth--
To change,
Destiny's count,
As He sang aloud,
His tears streaming down.
---On spot,
We met that Day....
Face to face,
So that we could see..................
"I did it for you."

.....Her face.......

2009-08-06T16:46:00.003-06:00

Breaking shadows dance--
Running freeing swaying.......
Across neon day sun perched high,
Rocks lay stumbled upon no more.

As we gaze in hope....
Light dances..............
Light dances.................
Light dances with shadows in waters--
Cool inviting--
Calling-----
Calling-----
Enter in and drink...
For I never run dry--
Only if you see.
Do you see?
Do you see Me?

Come to the waters...
Refreshment for a price....
None so high--- not so expensive--
Never repeated.

Sunlight dances across waters, trees --all things--
Creation sings!
Creation sings!
ANEW!!!

My Rock ...My Salvation

2009-08-05T22:34:00.004-06:00

shattered promises.
and broken hearts,
false dreams never risen.....
of truth --of love...
never to go away.

without ceasing hope holds on-
broken lives vanish beneath the dawn---
never again--no bones broken apart.

minds waste internally....
around - a round--
never ceasing..
lost in love's endless quest--
of goodness-- yes
but only for a time....
a moment
till time casts it's toll
death looses it's relentless blow
mercy came home on a saturday night.....
mend anew -- my heart...
mend anew.

in you my Love,
my perfect One,
unity restore through grace.

take away hostility
and cast into smoke....
false dreams --- never fulfilled..
so hope may sprout.
this day.
in You--in Thee.

G & H Through The Years.

2009-08-03T22:54:00.004-06:00

Understanding --not knowing,
And this is where WE start----
Upon Rocks and Shoals and Flowers--
And bookish stuff.

Fallen out of text....
Dropped through the static---
In between and lost again,
On flowers and flowered.....
Small fish.

Enough to go..............not enough to stay...
Beginning on row upon row,
For us this day----- --- --
God created anew.....
To never look back -----until then-
At Gate at last ----at Gate........
With Her,
And with Him,
Always.........with Him.

Over Handed, On Top

2009-07-31T20:01:00.004-06:00

In hand on trembled knee,
Which breaks across dawn's new day....
Of love once lived ---of love once given,
On cold dark day of love--taken.

Flashing light splashed across tears that gleam,
Enter love lost again---
Cruel knife glides past heart torn away--
Of love once given----of love once lived,
Of thieves which came---
Of love taken away.

Sad song on trembled knee,
Two together apart...apart...apart.......apart....
In dark spaces and cold places,
In hand----
In heart-----
Turn asunder this day------then again,
Of love taken away.

O death who marches forth,
In day and in night,
Bloodshot eye.....
Painful cries.....
Alone they heard------
Never----
Someday-----
Never-----
When.

On spot on day,
Around and in around,
Shedding light,
On heart afresh...
As darkness scattered---
On that New Day---
In sunsets ended and rises vanished....
Walking to drop.........
Frozen---
On flatness rendered---
And on day- never again--
----Love taken away.

Forgiven.

2009-07-28T22:30:00.005-06:00

On top of the mountains quickness,
Lays desolation long since forgotten...
Letting go of yesterday's fear,
Letting go of tomorrow's lie---------
Only peace shall reign,
In hearts---------on tree.
In hearts---------on tree.

Waiting----longing-
She gazes toward Him-
Broken shattered-
Love lay in pieces on grounded fear-
Of a heart so pure-
Just to hold once more-
Yet no more................
Yet no more...............
Heart to heart --on tree
Lonely broken heart------on tree.

Gaze upon limbs....
Gaze upon branches....
Leaves scatterred upon rock broken-
Soaked from near above.
Crushing burden'
Crushing stone.....
Jagged heart ----lay bear------------on tree.
-------------------------------------------on tree.

I long again for rest and peace....
At breast---no more!
-----on tree....
on tree.

Full circle in hope.

2009-07-26T13:00:00.011-06:00

Last summer right around this time I was preparing for a new job and preparing to move. Both were huge transitions for me. The job being the first full time job I had in almost a decade. Illness, injury and a few surgeries were scattered across those years. Years of suffering yes, and years of incredible hope and renewal. I was commenting to a friend last night on the way back from a concert about how I remembered a time a decade or a few years more ago when I was a patient in a hospital- I was there because I was suffering from depression. I left my room in the middle of the night and went to the hospital chapel. I told someone I was going but I think they forgot or maybe were not supposed to allow me to go--I think God allowed that. I was at that time in one of the lowest places I had ever been in my life. I had lost all hope. I knelt down before the tabernacle and I prayed. I do not remember what I prayed. I remember kneeling and then sitting back in a large chair and just remaining in God's presence. I did not want to leave-- I was at peace. After a bit I guess I was discovered missing and someone came to find me and I had to leave. I spent 40 days in that hospital back then.

My time in the storm was not over-- though there were many breaks in the clouds large and small. Devastation in my life would continue for several years exteriorly. There would be physical and emotional suffering ahead and there would be very good times. However, I think, if I was to know what was ahead of me I would have given up. Maybe, just maybe I remember that moment because for me it was one of the first times I did surrender-- not to man but to God. Maybe it was my Garden moment when I cried out and God was there with me. It was at that moment that hope began to blossom in my heart. At that moment I chose life. The years ahead would be at times both 'the best and worst of times'. It was when it felt like the worst of times that I could look back and remember that peace which passes all understanding and I knew firmly that Jesus Christ would be there for me to walk with me and carry me if need be. He, my God, My Jesus has never let me down. Praised be His Holy Name!

My friend made the comment to me that that those 40 days were like a lent for me. I thought for a second and then stated that I felt that rather it was the time in my life when I stepped out onto the deck of the ark and I saw the dove for the first time. Hope springs eternal. Never ever give up. I stood on the deck of my ark and I gazed across seas that had not been there before. All that was familiar to me was gone or vanishing. I did not think I would ever make it to dry land again. As far as I could see, and for a considerable length of time afterward, there was only open oceans which were seemingly lifeless. A thousand miles away from home and as far as I knew even there could be just water. Water everywhere and as the saying goes not a drop to drink to refresh a soul lost at sea. Refreshment came from the dove who I saw dimly at first flying high in the sky so close to the Son that it was difficult to see because of the light. Little words from creature to Creator -- from a son to a Father-- a cry for help. Help came-- not the way or at the speed I thought it would -- but hope and help came. The dove descended and through the sacraments I received and prayer time I spent before Him and at in other places I found refreshment and the water I needed to carry me through until dry land came at last. The water came from within me and My Jesus began the process of answering my prayer by helping me first from within-- where I needed it the most. Hope springs eternal you see and with that hope-- which comes from this amazing and wondrous God we never have reason to worry again regardless of what is happening or what things look like around us. We grow in the courage which comes from Him to never ever give up.

I gaze back on those years and realize that those times of desolation had been and are being transformed into gems-- precious rare gems-- which shine with brilliant luster within my life and give glory and honor to my Daddy who reached down from heaven and saved His little one. Hope springs eternal. I look back increasingly with gratitude to a God who loved me so much that He placed me upon an ark when the waters of destruction rose up around me and saved me through His own Blood. I am grateful -- so very grateful to God for the huge storm which came into my life then. I am so very grateful for the waters that began to rise above my head back then-- for I discovered-- over time-- the meaning of Divine Mercy and what Hope truly is and in Whom our hope must rest. I am so grateful to my family, friends (now and then), the doctors, nurses, therapists and others that God placed in my life and who God acted and continues to act through. My ark-- my boat-- is and was the Bark of St. Peter as sail was set by the successors of the apostles and propelled into safety on the winds of the Holy Spirit. I found my hope on that boat-- a hope which only comes from Jesus Christ and an everlasting love and mercy which endures forever.

Last year at this time as I was preparing for the new job-- the new beginning---and while I was preparing for the move I purged quite a few things that I had acquired over the years. So many memories--- so very many good and bad. As I donated those things --memories would come back right then or over the course of the next few months. Good memories and painful memories. I had to walk though those memories with Jesus. I had to ask Him to show me where He was in the midst of those times. It was not a easy process to pass though and painful but Jesus Christ was there along with a few of His friends. I had to try to look at those times through the eyes of faith that He was showing me these for a reason to heal me and create me anew. Answers or at least understanding came and I began to see the lumpy hard places in the darkness of my life through the light and knowledge that Jesus Christ was there-- the reason for my hope-- and that those places are now diamonds, rubies, emeralds and sapphires. Maybe those gems someday I can place in the hands of the Blessed Virgin Mary -Theotokos in thanksgiving for her guiding me towards her Divine Son that she may add them to her crown .

I turn and I walk around on the deck of this boat and realize I am not alone anymore. My friends and family -- my fellow shipmates-- are with me and I with them as this boat sets sail through various storms of life that we each must face. The old memories now serve as banners and flags which remind me and others that God will go before us and that He answers our prayers. He gives us hope when all seems hopeless and creates us anew out of love.

These days I go to that little chapel and kneel on those same kneelers and sit in that same chair, for just a moment, sometimes on my lunch break because now I work at the same place where I prayed then and that dove in the sky next to the Son decended in the middle of the night. God answers our prayers!!! God heals and restores and works miracles in our lives and loves each of us with an everlasting excessive love. Do I still have painful crosses---yes as we all do. Do I still struggle at times -- yes and we all do. However, I know now-- that miracles do happen and continue to happen through the love of God. I know that all I have to do is to shine in all I do today. I have to remember to offer my prayers, works, joys and sufferings to and for Him today-- let Him do the rest. All I have to do is trust in Jesus today. Never give up-- never loose hope. Hope in Him-- His love endures forever!!

My prayer this day and each day for you, the reader of this is, that you to may find that hope which surpasses all understanding so regardless of the storms that come in your life you to may sing in thanksgiving and praise to the God of Love and Truth. It is for this reason that I write this my little story today- that you may find hope and joy in the middle of times or darkness and suffering and chose life. Never give up! Hope in HIM -- for His Hope springs eternal. There is a God-- Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is real as is His Real Presence in the Holy Eucharsist-- miracles do happen AND guess what-- the Creator of the Universe-- the Lord God Almighty cares deeply for each of us--for you and loves you. Each life each soul has so much worth and dignity-- from conception through storms and dangerous seas to natural death. God loves us all equally and grants us life each day- He did for me. Don't let Congress or Planned Parenthood or anyone else take that life away from others-- all our brothers and sisters--- little through aged. We all need to stay on the boat, get others on it with us and let God lead us full circle in hope.

Thank you for your prayers and thank you for reading my little pro life story. Praised be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

Image credit

The link to Pope Benedict XVI's encyclical "Spes Salvi" ("On Christian Hope")

For further information about life issues and what you can do please visit Priest's for Life at the website linked here.

Further information can be obtained at the Stop the Abortion Mandate website linked here. I highly suggest that you take time to visit both website and listen to the webcast on this site.

Evangelium Vitae is linked here.

Humanae Vitae is linked here.

Great concert!

2009-07-26T00:03:00.009-06:00

I went to see Mike Mangione and The Band last night in Excelsior with friends. The music itself lifted the heart and the lyrics were cerebral. I will go again to see them. You need to go. Lyrics which were inspired from Theology of the Body enhanced the almost earthy quality of the music. The lyrics are peppered with references to Scripture and point towards the truth of the dignity of the human person and the sacredness of the sex occurring in the marital embrace. Lot's of fancy words on my part however the long and short of it -- great music for anyone to listen to and enjoy. Being in the company of others, friends and those in the making, is the recipe for a great night under the stars. You need to go see them-- their website is linked in this posting. Great for youth groups and young adult groups. On their website is their tour schedule so those in other parts of the country can check them out. Most of all please pray for them and for their apostate.

Image credit

Increasingly simple.

2009-07-24T19:59:00.000-06:00

Flat square spaces,
And long and gloomy places,
And light on blindness pour.

Of simple life---
Of complex love----------------
Light shines through this Night.

Of Justice rent ......
Lay within a manger,
Duty draws to a close.

Love opens doors ---forgotten-- abandoned--
In newness lay---on summer's day,
As Christmas travels---seeks to His own good.

And draws for us,
Gifts unceasingly--
Transform wounded heart which loves and still longs.............
Find rest tired warrior,
No more a battle bear,
Not today--just rest,
Just tranquility---
In day-----seeking.

Before it began

2009-07-24T06:00:00.002-06:00

Standing erect on top of mountains charm....
Listening for passing wonders----
Clouds gone past,
As storms rage---
Moving on......
In distant unseen-----hope anew.