Random late night thoughts...........

On the banner of this blog I have something about spiritual navel gazing etc etc. As the blog has been around for several years maybe initially it started out that way. Now I think it is something else. I find there are times when I want to write or post some prose and feel constrained. Writing for me was something therapeutic. Maybe not wonderful writing but it was mine and it helped me to process things. I always had to be conscious of the fact that it is public and names etc do not get published. Still though I did not publish posts at times when I kind of wanted to or wrote in that therapeutic mode. I am thinking about starting a new blog and beginning anew. Maybe, at some point I will look back and realize it is really just a new one. But I will get it a go. I think also there is a feeling when one has a blog. Suddenly the world can be reading about ME. Incredible amazing ME. Still, I think writing openly can be something to help me and maybe to help others.

I would love to be a coach or maybe a positive drill instructor. Maybe I have to be that to myself at times and occasionally get to do that with others. I have to push myself alot many times. I learn alot in those times. I learn about me and I learn about God. Maybe more especially He teaches me about myself and Him.

Maybe in writing about ups and downs and especially the struggles-- and successes in an open and honest way it will help. Not sure on that one. Maybe a newer format will allow me to flexibility with the poems. Lots of stuff to write about. I have to pray about this. I have to pray about everything.

I have to wake up early tomorrow and study for my night school class which I have on Thursday. I also need to get to the gym in the morning before work. I decided to prepare for a big bicycle challenge, for me, a century ride. I have been working hard to prepare. Someday this summer I hope to pass a finish line somewhere and then take a photo of me holding up my old 'fat pants' when I was 240 pounds heavier and very very sick. I was so close to death at times back then. Then I asked Jesus Christ for help.....He helped. I am not sure if I will be able to do this ride just like I am not 100% sure I will graduate or go on to get my MSW. I am not sure if I will ever have a faithful Catholic marriage etc. I am not sure if my health will not start getting worse again or if the memory monsters of my past will come back. I struggle in so many areas-- especially in prayer--- but I have to keep struggling and fighting especially when I just want to give up. Because Jesus Christ never gave up- nor will He on me. I wanted for a few brief moments this morning and some this afternoon to give up. Then I prayed. Then I got to receive Him. If those other things ever do happen..... only God knows. Yet, I have a desire in my heart for Christ and I think the personal goals which I have are good. I think it is good to strive for them, ask for His blessing and assistance and then try to not worry about the future. He holds it all in His Hands anyway--- along with me.

So, I will think about the new blog. Tonight I just need to pray night prayer, ask for God's help especially for someone I love who is sick herself tonight, and to sleep. As I am reminded in prayer. "Today is enough."

God come to our assistance.