Changing seasons.

"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." He also said to the crowds, "When you see (a) cloud rising in the west you say immediately that it is going to rain--and so it does; and when you notice that the wind is blowing from the south you say that it is going to be hot--and so it is. You hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky; why do you not know how to interpret the present time? "

St. Luke 12:51-56

Light shines on San Diego

**Day 7**
Sunday 10/18/09

I skipped a few days in writing this journal as I have been busy. Sometimes I am not sure what to write—here or elsewhere. I only know that it helps to get thoughts down as I process them. I have to work on that some more.

I accidentally went over in my light treatment today by several minutes. I really have to be careful with that as it can cause problems that I do not need. I was praying today and kind of got lost in prayer. I am starting to notice some more positive effects in that some difficult times and low points in the day are becoming easier to manage. I am finding peace in those times along with understanding. Faith proceeds understanding as the Saints will tell us so maybe I am getting a little bit of faith also. Peace in heart and mind first from God answering prayers and peace also from a few chemical changes in my mind. The thing that helps me in those times is surrender to Divine Providence. Complete and total surrender to Christ Jesus with the knowledge that His Love endures forever and that He, not me, not the world and not the Enemy of souls is in charge. I told a friend yesterday at lunch that I used to think I needed some kind of long range vision and game plan. While yes, I do have some goals—pretty big ones—my vision into the future really only peers a step and maybe two ahead of me. I gaze through the fog of unknowing and remember a past which had many changes and course corrections along the way showed a consistent pattern of God doing wonderful things In my life according to His plan—not mine. I have to remember that pattern. I have to remember the Hand of Providence and realize that even those sins and mistakes through confession, penance and God’s grace and mercy have been wiped away. Being only able to peer a step or two ahead and only with the memory of God’s Hand working in my life I can only remain in His Love and in His Light today. Today I can strive to seek His Face. Today I can strive to love family and friends better and live out my life in virtue. Today I can choose life, love and walk through the fog and smoke into the Light holding the Pierced Hand of Christ. I have to be more careful about the amount of time with the light treatment. I have to pray that today I can somehow give God glory and honor in my worship and prayers along with doing my daily duty.

I commented to a friend a year ago or so and to a few others more recently that in my spiritual life I sometimes feel as if God is in San Diego and I am trudging my way through New Jersey still. His Majesty seems so far away at times and my ascent feels long as the path winds up the mountain. I was starting to feel a bit sorry for myself this morning just for a bit as my heart longs for God and I struggle in prayer through memories and echoes of the past that need healing. I walked past a mirror in my living room and looked at myself. I had put on a sweatshirt this morning as it was chilly on the porch while I prayed. I looked at the words on the sweatshirt that I picked up on vacation a few years ago. My blue sweat shirt reads in bold block white letters “SAN DIEGO”. I laughed and then I dropped to my knees with tears streaming down and praised and thanked the God Who Dwells within. As it is written, “Greater is He who is in me than He who is in the world.” God within and especially in the Eucharist holds me by the hand and guides me step by step on this path through the prayers of family and friends and especially the Blessed Virgin Mary. I have only to surrender to Him and allow Him to guide me on this pathway of life. I remember some quotes of Bl. Elizabeth of the Trinity from something I am reading about her which came to mind.

“Like me, you have to build yourself a little cell in your soul; you must think that the good God is there, and you must enter there from time to time. Ah, if you only knew it a little, prayer would not be tedious for you; it seems a rest and a relaxation to me; you simply come to the One you love, stay close to Him like little child in its mother’s arms, and you let your heart go. You used to like so much to sit very close to me and give me your confidences, and that is how we must go to Him. If you only knew how well He understands…..”
“I heaven, I believe, my mission will be that of drawing souls into interior recollection, helping them to go out of themselves, to cling to God through a movement that is wholly simple and wholly loving, and to preserve them in that great silence of the ‘within’, which allows God to imprint Himself on them and transform them into Himself”. Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity, OCD

Today for me God dwelled in San Diego and He walked with me step by step holding my hand on this path through the fog and smoke into the Light. Praised be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!!

Traveling in the Light....

**Day 3**
10/14/2009 05:52/ 23:17

I find myself actually writing this entry at the end of the day rather than at the beginning. I was busy this morning. I woke up this morning around 3am – I doubt that it had anything to do with the light treatments. I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I ended up getting dressed and drove to my parish and spent time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament in Adoration. I prayed Morning Prayer this morning before The Light of the World rather than a light coming out of a box.

I look back on the past and that time when my health was at its worst. There were emotional issues but there were also physical issues which were equally or in some cases much worse. I think actually I may not and some others may not realize how bad things were. At some point I know I decided to cry out to God. At some point I reached for the Light of Christ. My healing did not really come with the 20 plus pills a day for years. My healing did not as much come through repeated surgeries. My healing did not as much come through therapists. My healing did not even as much come through family and friends who love me. Those were wonderful instruments of healing. My healing—the miracles—took place and continue to take place before Jesus Christ and in prayer to Him at home and other places. My healing came not of my own effort but through the free gift of Christ. My healing came through confession and absolution in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. My healing came in the numerous anointing that I received in the Sacrament of the Sick. My healing came through Him, with Him and in Him in the Eucharist that I received which united me to the Creator of the World. It was very bad back then. Every now and then memories of those days will come back.

I fought back then. I fought back the only way I could and that was to surrender to God. To ask God for help, trust in Him and surrender. In that surrender Christ heals. He healed through family, friends, doctors, nurses and therapists. He healed through pills and surgeries and machines to help me breath. He healed through injections and He healed through times outdoors and exercises as I became better. He, my amazing God, healed through times when I had to learn and relearn skills. He healed through getting me back in school. He healed through even allowing me to pursue a vocation that was not mine in order to bring about blessing for me and I hope for others. He healed through encounters with truly great people that He placed and continues to place in my path. He healed through love. He healed through allowing me to strive to get better so that I could be closer to my daughter. I had to meet certain internal goals in order to proceed further which after time allowed me to move across states. He continues to heal today. It is not over. It is not over for any of us.

I have not noticed much difference in my mood just yet. In the changing of brain chemicals I do find that some of those painful memories or even painful wounds that occur become somehow a bit easier to handle and less painful as treatments continue and as I spend time in prayer. I think it is much too early to really notice any difference as only three days have passed by. It takes time for this to work.

I know that I have to strive to get sleep and that means establishing a good routine in the pm and in the am. I have been remise about getting to the gym lately and I know that will help also. I also know that that time with friends helps along with times when I can give of myself in volunteering. I could go on and on. I do know that just as the light is part of the changes to help create a hedge of protection from depression there is not enough said about just getting a good night sleep.

Today I began the day adoring the Holy Face of the Light of the Universe—Jesus Christ and moved to a great invention of a special light which shines in my eyes. It is the former not the later today I am so grateful for this day. Lord may the Light of Your Face shine upon us and may we this and each rest in peace and rise with joy to praise You another day. It is He who not only heals but helps me to let go of the memories and even the unhealthy strings which tied me down like Gulliver. With each prayer- each Hail Mary- the strings and ropes are severed and Christ delivers me from that bondage.
Thank you Lord for this gift of this day!

The light of a new day...... walking into the light (continued)

**Day 2**

10/13/2009 05:40


Work day so time before the light is earlier than yesterday. I forgot that my watch has a stop timer on it which I will now use to better time my dosage.

I was up much too late last night- towards 1am for a variety of reasons. What helped me to fall asleep was time praying my Office and a cup of Sleepytime tea sitting out on my porch. To meditate on God’s Word and allow Him to minister to my soul so that I can rest is how I can reorientate myself when the blanket of the cares of the world descends down upon me. The Lord is my strength and my song… He is my Light and my salvation… therefore my soul remains in peace and I am confidante and unafraid….I shall not fear the terror of the night nor the plague that lays waste at noon a thousand may fall at my right and ten thousand at my left yet You O Lord my God are my strength, my peace, my Beloved God. It is times like last night or in the course of the days when the temptations and fears of the world descend down upon me like a ton of bricks that I have to turn and place my trust in Him to be my shield. I think one of the things with the tendency towards depression that I have to fight more than anything is when those temptations and fears—that we all have—assail and attack that at that moment I have to look up towards the mountains, as the Psalmist reminds us, where the Light of Christ shines forth over the peaks and trust in His Love for me. Yet, it is difficult and I am stubborn and want to resist—I want to look down or around at the little and big monsters that gather around me and be afraid and anxious. I had a friend once tell me that when we peer into the darkness we can easily fall in and get lost.

We have to look into the Light kind of like I had to sit before this little light of mine and let it shine to help change some chemicals in my brain so that my "monsters" are better manageable. This light helps to an extent—the real help comes when those times of anxiety and worry come down upon me and at that moment I say NO… and I rather than submit to the enemy I trust in Jesus Christ my Hope. I begin this day now having prayed my Office and with some coffee, juice and organic flax waffles (with peanut butter…umm!) and the knowledge that God indeed is my Savior and will go before me and with me this day. Praised be Jesus Christ! Praised be the Eternal One! Praised be the King of Glory and Light of the World! Now and Forever! Amen! Have a good day.

Walking into the Light ....

**DAY 1**

10/13/2009 07:10

Sitting out on my porch and watching it snow outside. I need to start wearing some wool socks when I sit out here in when it is cold outside. My toes get cold! It is awesome to see this snow outside. Summer went by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday when I grabbed my fishing pole and walked down to the Mississippi to fish and ended up a bit sunburn. Kind of a different light than the one that is before me this am. I have to start out slowly with this light. If the dosage is too much-- too much time- there can be problems. Slow and gradual is what I have learned works best for me. I learned before when I use this thing to place the light on my lap and then I can hold my Divine Office extended beyond it so I can pray Morning Prayer. What I have had to learn though is to at some point turn off the light as Lauds tends to last longer than the dosage I need.

I am starting to think that my flu bug last week was a gift in disguise. I realized in the midst of the flu that my mood was going south a bit-- maybe we all do that when sick. I don't like it though and have to fight that. It is kind of a "poor me" attitude which I do not like at all. Big deal, skippy, you have the bug so does a ton of people out there. Enjoy the time off, rest and eat well. What helps me is to watch some cartoons or a funny show. There is so much serious stuff in life out there and it pulls people down-- it pulls me down fast. When I am hurting or sick that is the time I need to laugh even more and try to make others laugh- and to be present for them and help them. Suddenly in the light of day the "poor me" attitude fades away. Suddenly sitting in the light I am less concerned about the end of the world-- personally or on a global scale and thinking more about what I can do to try to create holiness in the present moment where God dwells. This flu I had was a gift because it slowed me down to regroup and recognize problem areas in my life and that of others and offer those to Jesus Christ -Who is the Center and Creator of the universe.

This light helps. What really helps is what I do while sitting here. It is this time that I slow down and praise and thank God. It is when I realize that all my "problems" really are not that bad and that even those ones that others or the world have that are huge -- that still my God is bigger than all of them. I think the devil wants us to focus on the darkness and turn inside away from friends and family. I think he wants us to feel sick constantly so we do not reach out to others and get out where we can help to transform the world for Jesus Christ. For me, I can not do anything about the scourge of abortion or the war or helping friends and family that are hurting unless I first focus on Jesus Christ-- the Light of the World.

I think some of the under current beneath this culture of death is a "poor me" attitude which we all must fight. As I sit here and reflect about the light on my lap I think about what I can do to be a better light to others-- to be of service to others and break out of that attitude. I think that change begins here-- then I can volunteer more or make big alterations in my life to be a better witness. If I want to make a difference in the culture of death-- and I do so much-- then it begins with my attitude and that changes here praising and thanking God in the light. We can choose to fight back against depression or darkness or sin. I choose to fight. I choose life today.

What a gift it is to be alive. What a gift it is to have a chance today to be a light and a witness to others. I made mistakes yesterday and in the past and God forgives. Today--- this day, sitting her with cold toes and a bright light shinning in my face while I chant and sing the Psalms I choose life-- for this day is a gift-- the Day the Lord made.

Thank you Lord for this day!

The opportunity to grow!

"Children, and those who are dependent on us due to disability or age, offer us the opportunity to grow in patience, kindness, and love. They teach us that life is a shared gift, not an encumbrance. At the end of life, we will be judged on love alone. Meanwhile, in the midst of so many challenges to life, we look to "Christ Jesus our hope" (1 Timothy 1:1), who offers to all the world a share in his victory over death." + Justin Cardinal Rigali- Oct 6th, 2009 -- speaking on Respect Life Sunday.

Towards tommorrow .....back on today.

Lightly Pondering Stepping Turning,
Dancing moving jumping--
To and fro-- across stages,
More in haste-- in waste,
Excessively.

Letting go---
Again goodbye - to say hello,
Lightly Pondering Stepping out,
Towards day through passages unity,
Again toward passage-
In Light,
Toward sunrise----
Orange red hue.
Again and again,
With purposeful steps made this day-
With purposeful steps made.